A back room at Weatherfireld Police Station in the North west of England.

A buxom thirty something Woman Police Constable answers the telephone to an unsuspecting pervert.

“Hello is that Pedo Supplies,” he said anxiously.

“Yes,” said WPC Sharon Masters, “Can I help you sir?”

“Do you do pictures?” he asked, “And videos?”

“Yes sir, I’m Sharon, what sort would you like only I’m only fourteen and I’m not sure if I’m allowed to sell pictures of little girls,” she said, “Usually I talk to gentlemen and tell them my pussy is all lonely without a big fat juicy cock in it.”

“I’m afraid I’m into little boys really,” the Pedo continued, “Pre pubescent really eight or nine, do you have any videos of little boys being fucked by animals.”

“Oh yes sir, lots sir, little boys with big cocks in their asses and mouths and animals, dogs and horses sir, all fucking them really hard, I like being fucked up the ass by a big hairy Rotweiller sir, do you?”

“Burrrrrpppppp,” went the phone as the Pedo rang off, “Did you get his number?” Inspector Richard Head of the Weatherfield and Salford Constabulary asked.

“Yes,” PC Tony Mulholland answered, “It’s a mobile.”

“Bollocks,” the Inspector said, “Don’t be so full on Sharon, he’s a Pedo, he won’t like being fucked up the ass by a dog will he?”

“He might sir!” Sharon protested, “What am I supposed to say?”

“String him along, say you have a brother or something, ten years old,” Inspector Head added.

“If I must sir,” Sharon said petulantly and the phone rang again.

“Herro, rat Pedo Splies?” said this Chinese fellow.

“Yes,” Sharon agreed, “I’m Sharon and I’m fourteen and I’m all horny and I have three fingers thrust deep in my soaking pussy,”

“You do deep pan Pedos?” the Chinese asked.

“No, this is a Pedophile chat line you slitty eyed moron!” Sharon explained politely.

“I have two, one Tomarro and one,”

“Burrrrrrppppp,” went the phone as Sharon cut him off.

“Ohhhhh!” she squealed in frustration, and the phone rang again, the one on the right of her desk.

“Hello, I’m Sharon and I’m fourteen and I am really horny and I’ve taken all my clothes off and I’m lying in my bed dreaming of you and wanking myself with three fingers deep inside my sopping pussy.”

“Is that Weatherfield Police?” the man asked.

“Sorry, no, Pedo Supplies, ah, Weatherfield Pedo supplies,” Sharon explained, “Police is Nine Nine Nine not Oh Triple Seven,” she said, “Fuck he’s rung off.”

“Wrong phone,” Tony observed, “That was the Police emergency number.”

“Bloody hell!” Sharon snapped, “I didn’t join the force to chat up Pedophiles,” she insisted.

“Oh well never mind,” I said as I watched the control room team, “I guess I’ll wait down the Dog and Duck unless your ‘sopping hole’ needs attention eh Sharon?”

“I’d take you up on that if we didn’t have and audience!” Sharon replied, “Oops,” she says, duty calls, “Good Evening, Pedo Supplies, the North West’s premier supplier of Pedophile supplies, how may I help you?”

“Oh, I wanted a twenty seven by one and a quarter inner tube,” this guy asked, “Do I have the wrong number?”

“I’m afraid so sir, this is Pedophile supplies,” Sharon explained.

“Oh,” he said, “But doesn’t Pedophile mean Pedalling?” he asked, “Don’t you have pictures of Chris Hoy or Vicky Pendelton.”

“No sir just little boys and girls being abused,” Sharon added in exasperation.

“Oh, sorry,” he said and rang off.

“Wanker,” Sharon snapped and the phone rang again, “Weatherfield Pedo supplies,” she said “How may I help you?”

“You’re fucking disgusting!” the voice boomed over the speaker phone, “You should be hung from a Lamp Post by your gonads!”

“I don’t have gonads sir,” Sandra continued, “But we do have a full range of Pedophile and Dog sex videos in VHS and Betamax formats, as well as CD’s and downloads.”

“Oh,” says the bloke, “That’s sick!” and puts the phone down.

“Get his number,” I says, “Could be a handy bloke to have round.”

“Sounds about eighty,” Sandra explained, “Poor sod.”

The phone rang again, “Bloody hell Allthwaite,” Inspector Head interjected, “Your advert on Cbay certainly hit the spot.”

“Bloody place is crawling with Pedos,” I explained.

We could hear Sandra on the speaker, “Yes sir, I’m wearing my school uniform but I took my tie off and undid my bra because my big titties are so heavy sir, and my bra straps cut into my shoulders, I want your warm hands on my big titties holding them sir,” Sandra explained.

“Uh, what colour knickers are you wearing,” the pedo asked.

“Polka dot sir, but they were all sticky so I put them on the radiator to dry sir,” she added.

“Oh,” he said, “Do you have a little brother?”

“Oh yes sir, but he’s shy,” Sharon said, “But I have a video of him for twenty pounds sir.”

“Doing what?” the Pedo asked.

“This is a fucking sting operation not a fucking pedo chat line,” Inspector Head interjected.