My husband decided to surprise me with a present for our 14th anniversary.  He came home with a very large box and a shit-eating grin on his face, so of course I rushed to open it up.  My mind was racing.  What could possibly be in this huge, heavy box?  My first thought was, “If he bought me a God damned vacuum cleaner, I’m gonna kill him!”  Thankfully, domesticity was not what he had in mind.

As I tore off the wrapping paper the first thing to catch my eye was a picture of a nude couple on the front of the box, with the words “LOVE SWING” boldly written above it.  I looked up at him in amazement.  “You bought me a fucking swing?”

“Baby, I know you’ve wanted one for a long time.”  He said, smiling.

“No sweetheart.”  I said, with only the slightest sarcastic tone.  “You’ve wanted this for a long time, not me.  I wanted a new piece of jewelry.  Let’s face it, you bought yourself an anniversary present.”

“But it’ll be fun baby, you know it will.  Just let me get it set up.”

“OK,” I sighed.  And went back to my computer while he went about setting this contraption up.  The first thing he took out of the box were these big, heavy chains.  I stared at him.  “CHAINS!  You’re putting chains on my ceiling?”

“Relax baby.”  He smiled.  “Go back to work.”  So I went back to work, but kept glancing over at this monstrosity that was hanging in the middle of my bedroom.