Story of a closet-sadist

I’m a 33 year old man from Finland, living a more or less normal life.

I could describe myself with the following words: Intelligent, Adaptive, Cautious, Well-mannered, Introvert…

Sadist.

Of course, the last one is a quality that I wouldn’t mention in a casual conversation. Not that I’m ashamed of it, but I feel that it’s something that is almost universally deemed as an unambiguously bad thing… Most of the world’s population would probably find it very difficult to discuss about that word without getting negative feelings – maybe even ones as strong as hatred and disgust.

And I don’t blame them – after all, we are talking about a perversion that indicates that I enjoy when other people suffer… I might even enjoy to be the source of that suffering.

So I don’t talk about it. I have brought it up only a couple of times during my whole life.

It’s about 20 years since I began to fantasize about spanking. I can’t remember my exact age, but I believe I was in Junior High School when I noticed that I was entertaining thoughts about smacking the butt of one of the girls on my class.

The fantasy was so precise – that’s what I wanted to do. Of course, in that age, girls began to interest me in other ways as well, but when it came to this one particular classmate, I seemed to have a special desire. I don’t know… maybe I just thought that she had an especially nice butt!

Once I remember seeing a dream about the situation that so fascinated me. It was a short dream… I ejaculated and woke up after the first slap.

In reality, I don’t think I ever touched that girl.

All and all I was a late bloomer with my sex life. I think I was a decently good looking guy, but I was also quite gloomy and I liked to keep to myself, and so experiences like that had to wait for a few years more.

It was around that time when I began to spend more time in the Internet, and the possibilities that it granted to me opened many new doors for my little perversion.

I remember when I found “Nu-West Debbie”, the spanking model of a time long gone. When I looked at the pictures where she was paddled by the old lady, I couldn’t believe the deep red color on her buttocks – it couldn’t have been real…

But apparently it was! In my mind, I was contemplating about how much the swats of that paddle must have hurt Debbie. It fascinated me so…

I often masturbated while looking at that series of photos. Of course, Debbie’s nudity in those pictures excited me too, but the main attraction was her red butt.

I also tried spanking myself. I found that I didn’t enjoy pain, but it gave me pleasure to think that all those women in the pictures that I found from the web had experienced equally intense pain as I did – or actually, probably even more intense pain, as it was very difficult to generate much force when spanking oneself.

A plain electric cord worked well! I took a good, heavy electric cord, folded it from the middle and kept the ends in my hand to form a loop, and whipped my own back from under my arms and over my shoulders. For those who have not experienced it, I can tell; it hurts! And it leaves welts and bruises for several days…

Years went by.

I grew to be a more social person, I had parties and lived my life. Behind closed doors I scoured the Internet for pictures and videos about spankings and whippings, never mentioning about it to anyone.

It was maybe around that time when I identified myself as a “Sadist”. I also noticed that my sadism was of a very precise and limited kind!

Spanking and whipping – even very severe – aroused me greatly. But any other kind of violence or method to inflict pain didn’t do the trick.

Cutting and punching, for example, evoked feelings of disgust and anger above anything else.