SOFI – THE NAKED NUN 1: THE ORDER OF MARY MAGDALENE

CHAPTER ONE: THE ORDER OF MARY MAGDALENE

Now essentially naked, I stood before the bamboo gate to the nun’s compound. I wasn’t sure how long I have been here, but I was sure it was at least several hours. It wasn’t that I was being ignored. To the contrary. Upon my arrival I rang the large bell attached to the side of gate’s archway support. An older nun exited the building inside and spoke to me through the gate. This nun was nearly naked except for her veil, sandals on her feet, a very thin, nearly sheer, white cloth around her waist and hips, and a cross hanging between her sagging breasts. I wasn’t surprised by her near nudity, at least I knew at that moment I had arrived at my destination, the Sisters of the Order of Mary Magdalene. Yes … that Mary.

I had introduced myself as Sister Sofi, a recently trained nun from a convent in Sao Paulo. I informed the sister in front of me that I wished to join their Order. Her response was simple, “We’ll see if you are worthy.”

With that response, she turned and walked away. I didn’t know what that meant or implied. I didn’t know what might be required of me to show my worthiness. So, I did the only thing I was trained to do. I knelt in place and prayed to the Lord for his guidance and strength to be able to satisfy whatever trial might present itself in the coming moments.

It seemed awkward to be kneeling before the gate in full view of anyone from the village who might happen to wander within view. But, not as awkward as it was to become. It was late afternoon and the heat and oppressive humidity of the jungle was having its effect on me under my full habit when a sudden downpour drenched the village and me as I knelt in the open. It seemed as though water from a tarp had suddenly been opened above me. And just as suddenly it stopped. The humidity sharply increased, something I would have thought impossible only moments before. That was when the same nun returned from the structure and directed me to remove my habit so I was only adorned in my veil and cross. Less than her as she didn’t offer me even the cloth she wore around her wide hips. She assured me that I would be much more comfortable out of the soaking wet habit garments. Although that was true, I very quickly realized, my public exposure became intense despite knowing that the nun’s compound was at the far edge of the village.

With my head bent down in anxious prayer, partially to avoid noticing any villagers, I reminded myself that this was to be expected and there should not be any surprise. None the less, it gave me reflection on how I ended up in this position.

* * * *

In the final weeks of my training before achieving my goal, my dream, of serving the poor through the convent in Sao Paulo, I was increasingly disturbed and conflicted by memories and feelings, but most disturbed by the physical sensations I noticed as a result of those memories and feelings. I was not a virgin when I made my decision to enter the life of a nun. My feelings of disturbance from those memories conceerned me so much that I took them to confession.

The priest was delicate in pursuing my concerns. I confessed my sexual relations with men in the past. He assured me that not all women answering the call are virginal and tried to set my mind at ease.

“It isn’t just the men, Father.” Even through the privacy of the confessional I could sense the confusion on the other side of the screen. “Bestiality.” After another moment of uncomfortable silence, “Dogs, Father.”

He hesitantly ventured further into the issue, “Have you continued with these … relationships since committing yourself to your training?”

“No, Father! But …”

He picked up on my issue, “But, you have memories returning to you. Desires, too?”

I uttered a hesitant, “Yes.” Then, after an intolerable silence, “I will remove myself from the convent. Thank you, Father.”

But, before I could move, “No!” He hesitated a moment before continuing. “Come see me in two days, Sister. Come to my office. I wish to … pray on this before making any judgment. You should, too.”

I was hesitant to follow-up with him after the two days. My strongest impulse was to simply quit and run away as fast as I could. But, if the priest spent two days in consideration of my issue, the least I could do was to hear him out. Then resign and leave. There seemed little recourse given the strength of the feelings I found within me.

“I am sorry to have put you through this, Father. I should have just left quietly.”

He was seated behind his desk, the door to his office carefully closed. His fingers were steeple to his lips as he considered me. I was perched on one of the visitor chairs in front of his desk. I nervously sat on the edge of the seat as if I might be asked to leave at any moment. I noticed he set a small radio near the door and turned the volume up. It was only later that it occurred to me that his intention was to insure we would not be overheard.

“Sister, you obviously understand the commitment the sisterhood represents. In recent history, it is a relationship like no other to the Lord. You would even be given a silver ring to wear as a symbol of your devotion and relationship to Him.” I nodded. “I take it from your earlier comments that you cannot assure me or yourself that you wouldn’t continue to harbor these feelings.” I shrugged, but nodded. “But, would you be able to control them from being physical?”

Tears that had been welling in my eyes finally overflowed and dripped onto my cheeks. “It doesn’t really matter if I might control the physical, Father. If I can’t control the feelings, the desires within me, isn’t it the same as coveting that which isn’t mine to have? Coveting is a sin, not just the physical acting. And, for me as a nun wouldn’t it be even worse in betrayal to the Lord?”

He considered me, separated his steepled fingers from his lips, placed his hands flat onto the top of his desk, and pushed his body to a standing position. He made his way to the window and seemed to peer into the far distance.

I spoke to his back, “I will simply resign. It will be best.”

Without turning around, as if he were speaking to something outside our presence, “You have excelled in your training, though. The Mother Superior has such plans for your energy and willingness to be with the poor and forgotten.”

“Thank you, but …”

“Sister … what if there might be an alternative?” Alternative?