My Revenge

A couple of years ago I was very fixated on the childhood abuse I survived. I was in family therapy with my son and I talked with the therapist about writing letters to my mom, to the little girl I used to be and to my abuser. (One of them). I spoke with my sponsor about it and she encouraged me. I researched and found out the address of the man who had abused me. I wrote him the letter and then I sent the letter. My sponsor told me I wasn’t supposed to send the letter. I was supposed to write the letter for me. Maybe it was supposed to be for me, but I wanted him to hear from me and know what he did to me. Of course he called me after he received the letter and denied everything. I was stunned. Out of all of the scenarios I played out in my head, I never allowed for denial.

Ever since I wrote the letter I have been thinking about revenge. I want him to feel the powerlessness, the shame and the degradation I felt. I wanted him to realize the impact of what he has done. I wanted to understand why he did what he did. I wanted him to feel the pain and humiliation I felt.

To best honest, I don’t want to teach him any sort of lesson, I want to feel powerful and control. I want to tap into the darkness within me. I want to be the pain and humiliation that I want him to suffer. I also want his body to respond when he doesn’t want it to. I want him to feel shame.

For any plan to work, I have a shopping list. I have had a long time to plan this and have a long list of items I need. This is not going to be an in and out revenge. I plan on spending quite a bit of time with Russ. I have rope, a gag made out of leather with a metal bit built in. I have handcuffs, a taser, my switchblade, duct tape, two VERY large dildos, nipple clamps, and an appetite for revenge. I have a few flicks of differing varieties and made sure to include some kiddie porn I downloaded from the web. I have lubricant, scissors, and a strap on dildo. I thought about a blindfold, but I want him to see everything. I want him to be able to anticipate what’s coming and I damn sure want him to know who is responsible and why. I have everything neatly packed in a duffel bag and my van is gassed and ready to go. With very little coaxing, I was able to persuade my boyfriend to join me for a little road trip. Making sure the GPS is programmed with the address, we take off for a 12 hour ride. On the way out of town we make a quick stop at a cop spot and I pick up some versed just in case.

We arrive first thing in the morning and decide to stop and get a room for a few hours of rest. I am not able to quiet my mind enough to do more than doze off. I am restless and ready to meet the man of my current fantasy. We find the address and I have already planned how I am going to get into the house. In my hand I am carrying an envelope that is sealed. Inside there is a blank piece of paper. James and I walk up the sidewalk to the house and I notice the houses are not very close together. This means there will be less of a chance of the neighbors hearing any noise.

I knock on the door and a man comes to the door. I say that I am looking for Russ. I tell him who I am and that my mother has recently passed away and before she died she had written a letter and made me promise I would deliver it. I tell him that I am in the area visiting friends and thought I would stop by and take a chance that he would be home. While talking I am observing my surroundings and telling him what a nice home he has. I notice that it looks as if a woman lives there. I know that the public records I found for him list a woman by the name of Patricia. I really don’t want to drag an innocent woman into his private hell, but maybe she deserves it if she chose to love a child molester.

I have introduced him to James and James has remained silent and alert during our exchange. I ask him if his wife is home and he says that his girlfriend has gone to visit family in a nearby town. I hand him the envelope and while he is opening it I have managed to position myself behind him and a little to the left. He pulls out the piece of paper and the confusion on his face is evident when he unfolds it and sees that it is blank. By this time I have my .38 pointed at the back of his head and ask James to bring me the duffel bag. I take out the handcuffs that have been inside of my jacket pocket and tell him to place his hands behind together behind the chair.