(The following is a true story. None of the names have been changed to protect the innocent, because, well, let’s face it, none of us were all that innocent to begin with!!)
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I never cared if these letters were true or not & I don’t care if you believe mine, but here it is anyway: Back in ’97 my best friend, my dog, died. He was 2 weeks shy of his 16th birthday(which made him about 382 in dog years!) I was feeling really bummed out around the holidays (he loved mooching turkey from me and I missed him, a lot) so I went for a late night bike ride. I ended up at a local yuppie hangout. I sat at the bar, nursing the same milk-shake all night, (did I forget to mention I can’t drink alcohol?) when SHE walked in to my life…

She said hi to the bartender and complained of a neck-ache. I offered to rub it out for her. She said, ok. So, I did, cracking an old joke I’d heard from a George Burns routine. She laughed, out loud, & we started talking. We talked for 3 hours about any- every- and no-thing…

It was great to finally get all my feelings & frustrations out of my troubled soul! And she, Julie, seemed as interested to hear my tales as I was to tell ’em! But it was getting late & I didn’t want her to hear all my best material yet (did I forget to mention I’m a Stand-up comic? Silly me)so I offered to walk her to her car. She said ok & we did. On the way, she invited me to her place for dinner the next night! Duh! I said yes!

A little background on me would be great right here… I was 33, then, a virgin, a stand-up comic/talkshow host and all-around-nice guy!

That’s right. I said “virgin!”

Read my lips…v-i-r-g-i-n!

When I was 13 I was in a bicycle accident, which left me in a coma for 6 weeks. I was pretty fucked up for a long time after that! Physically/mentally I look perfectly normal… Emotionally/psychologically I’m a LoonyToon! I’ve gone through depressions so deep, so dark, so long… they’d scare the shit out of 99% of the population of the planet!

But, that was then…& this ain’t…So where was I? Oh, yes…

DINNER WITH JULIE (a BEE-YOO-TIFUL GIRL)

The next night, I got to her place at 8:00, 30 minutes early (never do this to a pretty girl you like… They get really pissed!!) She wasn’t ready, so I offered to help fix the meal. I did. It was delicious… after I threw in a lot of stuff from her fridge (shrimp, scallops, garlic, a little white wine–you know! Good stuff.)

I yelled, “Supper’s ready!” & she came out of her bedroom looking like Aphroditee, herself…& smelling just as sweet as orange blossoms in full bloom. All I could do was stare & manage to gulp out a little unintelligible sigh about how GREAT she looked. She was wearing a long, flowing, diaphanous, white gown-thing, that seemed to say, “Look! I’m not wearing anything under here! You are gonna get so lucky tonight, ‘Mr.I’ve-Never-Had-Sex-But-I’m-So-Ready-Now!'”

We ate the meal, & I must say, I out-did myself. After we’d finished, she said, “Thank you. It was very nice of you to fix dinner. It was wonderful. Now its time for dessert…” Then she stood up & looked at me, with either LUST in her eyes or a bad case of indigestion, and walked toward me…!

So here I was: 15 years past my sexual prime… About to finally lose my cherry!! And, mmm, what a babe she was, too! 24 years old. Sandy- blonde hair. 34-24-34. A vision of loveliness, standing there, taking off her sheer dress right before my eyes! But there was something different from all the girls I’d seen in magazines, all those years! Something was missing. She had no pubic hair!! She asked me not to make fun of her, saying it was a genetic defect that her “twin sister” didn’t have.

Now I said to her at this point, “Hey, I love your body, sweet-cheeks!” Then I proceeded to tell her of my whole sexual history, or lack there-of, and we both just laughed our asses off. I also noticed how hard & erect her nipples looked. I pointed to them, saying, “Are those lawn darts on your chest or are you just glad to see me?” She really started laughing then!