My Experience with Self Harm

There was a point in my life when physically hurting myself was the only way to cope with any emotions I felt inside. It sounds completely absurd but at the time it worked. Dragging a razor blade across my skin made me feel better. It was easier than actually dealing with the emotions. It wasn’t the blood that made me feel better. I never bled much anyway. No, it was the pain. The pain was a distraction from what I felt. And what I felt was complete and utter isolation. Nobody knew what was happening to me.

Well, one person did. But let’s face it, there was no way she could help me. She was doing exactly the same thing only she was completely out of control and too wrapped up in her own problems to realise that I was in trouble and needed help too. She was the only one that understood it but I couldn’t even unload my issues on her. She didn’t need my problems as well as her own. Hearing your friend tell you that she cuts herself rather than talk about her feelings is indescribable. I completely froze and prayed that she was joking. But she wasn’t. That evening I cut my hand in an attempt to shock her into quitting. She saw it the next day. She was hurt but my plan failed. I know that was ridiculously stupid.

The shame you feel after hurting yourself to cope is difficult to deal with and I’ll be honest and say that the shame sometimes made me feel so bad that I actually harmed myself twice in the space of a few minutes.