It was such a beautiful day, and the sun was so bright and beautiful and it seemed like it was shining brighter than normal and it felt so so warm and amazing. Everything seemed to sparkle and it felt so so peaceful. I was sitting outside in this park or something and it felt like I was waiting for something or someone. I wasn’t sure, but I felt like I was suppose to be there for a reason, like it was planned by me and someone else. I wasn’t hurting, there was no pain and no kind of sorrow, I was really really happy like, I was as happy as I was when Mason and I were together. I had butterflies and it felt like I was excited, it almost felt like I was there to meet up with someone that was very important to me, someone that I loved. I noticed that my hair was done like I was getting ready to go to prom or something. I had really long platinum blonde hair anyway, but the sun made it look so much lighter and pretty. I was wearing the fanciest dress I think I have ever worn. It was white and it had sparkly things all over it, and with the sun being as bright and warm as it was, I was glowing. It wasn’t just from me being happy either, it was like my dress had bright lights all over it but it didn’t. It wasn’t like any dress that I had ever worn before, it was long, but it had this really long split that went from my ankle to my hips, and the front drooped really low between my boobs. It drooped down my back and I know that my back was exposed all the way to my butt. I mean I couldn’t like, see it or anything, but I could feel a really nice breeze and it felt like it was hitting my bare skin gently, but I could feel my hair too. I didn’t even know why I was dressed like that or why I was even sitting there, let alone what or who I was waiting for. I was looking around and enjoying the warmth of the sun, and I was just amazed at how beautiful the place was. The place was peaceful, it was beautiful and I could feel this amazing sense of peace. I just sat there and looked at all of the things I was surrounded by when out of no where I hear a voice that I recognized, it was a mans voice.

“You know you’re wrong right?” The voice asked.

I was confused, at first, but then I had this strong feeling that everything was going to be ok, but not only that, I felt a huge surge of excitement and butterflies. Every one of those feelings I had for my first love and never had again since him came flooding back to me to the point that I started to cry.

“What am I wrong about?” I thought.

“You’re wrong about you Kaylee.” The voice said.

“What are you talking about?” I thought.

“You.” The voice said.

Then out of no where Mason walks out of the trees and was heading right to me, and when I saw him, all of the feelings I had for him when we dated overwhelmed me. I felt excitement and couldn’t help but tear up while he came walking out from the trees and stood in front of me, takes both of my hands and stands me up. He had that amazing smile on his face, and the look in his eyes sent these amazing feelings through me. I felt peace, I felt comfort, I felt warm and I felt safe, safer than I ever had. I really can’t describe what I was really feeling except that I felt everything I felt with him before he left but it was way way stronger. I was mesmerized, I was like, completely weak and, oh god I don’t even know.

“I’m confused.” I thought.

“When you’re ready I hope you let me show you what I’m talking about.” He said.

“Promise me you’ll be there when I’m ready.” I thought.

“I promise.” He said.

“Promise me you’ll come find me when you’re ready.” He said with so much love in his eyes.

“I promise.” I said while I started crying hard.

“I’ll be waiting, I’ll wait for you for as long as it takes for you to be ready. I love you Kaylee, I love you more than you will ever know, I never stopped loving you and I will always love you.” He said.

“I love you too Mason, I never stopped loving you and I never will.” I said while I cried.

We were talking, but our mouths weren’t moving at all, he was in my head and apparently I was in his. He got close to me and before I knew it, he kissed me so soft and so gentle and he held that kiss making me melt into him. It was like all of the feelings I felt for him exploded and got so much stronger than I could ever imagine. After he broke the kiss, he kissed my forehead head and he looked deep in my eyes. He caressed my face before he turned to walk away. I just stood there in a daze when all of a sudden I heard this really loud beeping. No no no no, please no, I thought when I realized that it was my alarm clock. I opened my eyes and laid there for a minute before I sat up and just sat there on my bed and cried. I ssssoooo did not want that to be a dream, but it was. I just had an amazing dream about the man that I wanted to be with, the one I should have been with. I sat there and cried for a long time especially since I had just realized that I still missed him really bad. But then it hit me, I really did have a second chance and this was it, I just needed to find him. I needed to heal because I was hurt by Tim so bad that I was convinced that I was all of the things I mentioned before. The thing was that I was hurt by Tim so bad both physically and mentally, that all I could think of was the worst when it came to Mason. What if he doesn’t like what he sees anymore, I mean, I wasn’t fat, I was really skinny even though I had a little bit of fat from being pregnant. I was younger than him, I was almost 20 and he was almost 24, but I still felt really ugly and worthless. What if I did go find him and he just pushed me away? Why did I have doubts about him after so long of being so in love with him?

It was then that I made the decision to look for him and talk to him, I wasn’t going to try to date him at all because he lost his fiancé and he had been single ever since. That just meant that he might have been affected by her death. Not only that, but I just got out of a really really bad marriage and I was hurting, but not because I lost Tim, but because I felt that I must have been such a bad wife that I deserved what I went through. I knew that I may get hurt if he did reject me, but I absolutely had to find him, I had to and it became a first priority for me, it was number one. I made a decision that once I was settled in my new place and healed, I was going to find him. I needed his peace and his comfort, I needed him, I needed my best friend back more than anything else. I was excited and happy to get out of hell, but I was scared because I didn’t have anyone out there, no one. I got up and motivated myself, so I took a shower as best as I could, brushed my teeth, got dresses, did my make up, straightened my hair and got ready.

I called mom and she came over and helped me for a while. That’s when she gave me some pictures that Mason and I had taken by a professional photographer. They were way way cute and I looked happier than I had ever been in my life, and he looked so so happy. We looked like we were in love with each other, because we were! Then she helped me put my pictures away in a safe spot and I opened my front door and waited. Oh my god I was anxious! I couldn’t sit or stand still at all, so I left the front door open while mom went to pack my hair straightener, the clothes I wore, and the make up I used. While she was doing that, I remembered, my book! I started to look for it and couldn’t find it and I started to panic, I wanted that book that mom just gave me and I couldn’t find it. Mom helped me look everywhere and I even started to cry because we couldn’t find it, I had to have that book. Finally after crying, panicking, and tearing the house apart, we found it. I sat down and held that book against me, I felt so so relieved! I held it close to me for a minute before I went and put it in my purse before I unpacked my make up and fixed my face. I think I checked my purse at least a dozen times after that to make sure my book was there. Finally it was 11:30, and I was so anxious and nervous that I was feeling sick, but then I got a call.

“Hello?” I asked.

“Hey is this Kaylee?” A person asked.

“Yes.” I said.

“We just wanted to call to see if you’re ready to do this.” It said.

“Yes I’m ready, I’m so ready.” I said.

“Ok, we are almost there, is all of your stuff ready?” It asked.

“Yes, my car is packed and I have everything I’m taking by the door, can we hurry?” I asked making the voice laugh.

“You’re really ready to get out of there aren’t you?” It asked with a laugh.

“You have no idea.” I said.

“Your mom said that you’re in a lot of pain, are you going to be ok?” The voice asked.

“Yes I’m fine, I didn’t take any pain pills this morning, I want out of here.” I said.

“Oh wow, she is ready!” Another voice said while they both laughed.

“Well, you’re about to see four cars pull up, they are our security, is there room in your driveway for us to park?” The voice asked.

“Yes, I’ll move my car so you have more room.” I said.

“Awesome, we’ll see you soon.” The voice said.

“Oh my gosh I can’t wait.” I said making her laugh.

“Oh Kaylee, one more thing, you have broken bones and your still hurting, all we want you to do is point out everything you’re taking and let us do all the work ok?” Another voice said.

“Ok, thank you sssoooo much.” I said.

“You are very welcome.” The voice said.

We hung up, and after we did that, I asked if mom could park my car on the street so there was room in the driveway, so she did that for me. It was only a minute before the four cars that they said would be there got to my house, and I watched from my front door while a white truck pulled in and backed in the driveway.

“Hi Kaylee.” One person said while they got out of the truck.

“I’m ready.” I said while they all got out and opened the back of their truck.

“Ok, so what do we have?” The driver asked.

“All of this and that’s it, everything else she’s taking is in her car.” Mom said.

“This is it?” The front passenger asked.

“Yes it is, I wanna get out of here fast.” I said.

“Ok let’s go.” The driver said.

It all started moving really fast! There were four people that were taking my stuff to the truck and I tried to help, my mom and the three girls. I grabbed my purse and held onto it after I looked to see if my book was still there. It only took like, five minutes to get all of my stuff in their truck, and once we finished going through the house, I went to my car and mom walked me to the car so we could say goodbye. Saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest things I ever did, but at the same time, I knew it wasn’t going to be the last time I talked to her but after we said goodbye she left. The security guys were really happy that it didn’t take very long at all and they even shook my hand because I had everything ready to go like I did.

“Do you know how to get out of here fast?” The driver asked.

“Yeah I do, do you wanna follow me?” I asked.

“Yes, but drive fast.” The driver said.

The person that was in the back seat of the truck got in my car with me and we were off, and I drove really fast because I wanted to get out of there. We got out of town, and after that I got behind the white truck and we ended up driving for a long time, it was well over an hour maybe two. All I know was that it didn’t feel like it was that long at all, and when we got to where we were going, we pulled into this really nice gated apartment complex and up to a town house. The people took me into the house and walked around with me before we unpacked everything from my car and the truck. And that’s when it all hit me, I was free! I was free from the prison I grew up in, I was free from the complete control that the order had on me and I was free from the people who only married other wives for sex! I was free from it all! It was so overwhelming that I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore, I started to sob. I was free, I was free! The people that helped me stayed with me and when I was able to get my composure back, I hugged all of them for helping me get out of hell. Those people were my angles, they were my saviors from the life of hell that I was born into, from the life that broke me in more ways than one, starting from the day that they took my first love away from me. I ordered dinner because mom got into my bank account and gave me some of my money, and we all ate and I told them everything that happened to me. And after a while, one of the people looked at me.

“So tell us about this Mason guy.” One girl said making me feel all warm.

“You’re blushing.” Another said.

“I can’t help it.” I said with a giggle.

“Your mom says that he was your first love.” The one that rode in my car with me said.

“He was, I loved him so so much. My life ended when he got taken away front me, it ruined my life.” I said while I started to tear up.

“Did he love you?” The first girl asked.

“Yeah he did, he loved me as much as I loved him. You know how 14 and 15 year old girls get married all the time in the order?” I asked.

“Yeah, that’s happens all the time.” The third one asked.

“I really really didn’t wanna get married that young, but when Mason and I fell in love like we did, I changed my mind, I loved him that much.” I said.

“How old was he?” The second girl asked.

“Eighteen.” I said.

“So did the order say anything about you two getting married?” The first one asked.

“He was the first boy on my list so they approved it and told us to start planning our marriage.” I said.

“So was Mason ok with marrying you?” The third girl asked.

“At first he wasn’t because he didn’t wanna marry a girl that young.” I said.

“But you changed his mind.” The first girl said.

“Yeah I did, we really really loved each other.” I said.

“What would you have done if he married his second wife?” The first girl asked.

“It never would have happened. He loved me so much that he was going to wait till I graduated high school and then he was going to run away with me so he wouldn’t have to worry about that.” I said.

“So he didn’t want to marry anyone else?” The second girl asked.

“No he didn’t. He said that I was all he wanted, he only wanted me to be his wife.” I said.

“Wow, he was really in love with you.” The first girl said.

“I know.” I said.

“Would you be ok with running away with him?” The second girl asked.

“Oh yeah, I was ready to. We were planning our marriage out already, but when it was just me and him, we started to figure out where we were going to run away to. He even helped me look at different colleges that I could go to and we looked at apartments near those colleges.” I said.

“He was going to let you go to college?!” The first girl asked all surprised.

“Yeah he was, he was even going to work and help pay for my college tuition and he was going to let me have a real career.” I said.

“Oh my god, he really really loved you, that’s so amazing!” The third girl said.

“I loved him just as much, he was so so amazing.” I said.

“You still love him don’t you?” The third girl asked.

“Yeah I do.” I said while I wiped my tears.

“Clearly, so has it always been like this with him?” The driver asked.

“Well, yeah it kinda was. We actually started talking at my birthday party and we became really really good friends after that, he was my best friend in the whole world. I could tell him anything, we laughed all the time and we did everything together. He never tried to court me at all during that time, he was just an amazing friend, but some time during all of that I like..” I said.

“You fell in love with him.” The first one said.

“Yeah, I did.” I said.

“When did he fall in love with you?” The third girl asked.

“The same time I fell in love with him.” I said.

“Did you guys ever go on a date?” The first one asked.

“Oh yeah but we didn’t go on a date till after we were best friends for the longest time but yeah we finally did, he asked my mom for permission to take me out.” I replied.

“So how did you guys find out that you were in love with each other?” The second one asked.

“On our first date, we were playing mini golf and I was watching him. We were playing a game to see who could distract who the most, and I just had to tell him that I was in love with him, I had to, so I just told him that I was.” I said.

“What did he say when you told him that you were in love with him?” The first one asked.

“He kissed me.” I said.

“Really?!” The third girl asked.

“Yeah, he kissed me.” I said.

“Look at you, you’re glowing.” The second one said.

“Did he tell you that he was in love with you too?” The first girl asked.

“Yes he did, he told me that he was in love with me before that night.” I said.

“So did you guys like, know each other before?” The one that rode with me asked.

“Well yeah, he’s my cousin.” I said.

“You really fell hard for him didn’t you?” The driver asked.

“You can say that.” I said.

“Do you still love him?” The one that rode with me asked.

“I don’t think I’ll ever not love him like that.” I said.

I LLLLOVED that they all kept asking questions about Mason, I loved it! And because of that I ended up talking about him for thee longest time. They could see that I still loved him, I mean, it was pretty obvious. I don’t know how long it was after we got there that they left, but I was so tried that I went to bed. I tried to sleep but I couldn’t because I was hurting again. So I got up and took some pain pills, then I went and got my book out of my purse and laid back down. I laid there staring at the book with Masons name and thinking about what I was going to say to him. I didn’t realize that there was so much that I wanted to say to him until then. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t mad at him for leaving me the way he did, I mean like, I was mad at him at first because I felt like he abandoned me. I was mad at him because if he wouldn’t have left me the way he did, I wouldn’t have gone through everything I did with Tim, I wouldn’t have even courted him at all. But after Tim beat me up so bad that he killed my baby, I started to understand why he beat his dad up for beating his mom and sisters up. I get how he must have felt when he walked into that house to what he did. I wanted him to know that I understood why he did what he did, I just wish he wouldn’t have been taken out of the order because when they took him away, they took a huge huge part of me away with him. While I was trying to figure out what I was going to say to him when I saw him again, I fell asleep and I had the exact same dream about Mason that I did the night before, and just like the last one, it seemed so so real.

Months and months went by and I wish I could say that things improved after I escaped the order and from my soon to be ex, but it wasn’t all that amazing. I wished that I was as happy as I hoped I would be, and I wished that I wouldn’t be hurting so so bad. I wished that my life was never ruined the way it was. It was amazing, I loved my life and I loved everything that was going on with me, and it was all because of Mason. I suffered from depression really really bad, and it was so bad that I was starting to get suicidal. I started drinking like crazy just so I could numb the pain that I was feeling, and it only worked while I was drunk. I hated getting drunk, but at the time it was all I could think of to do to stop hurting. I got a job, and I had a lot of boys that wanted to be with me, but I was never interested in any of them because they weren’t Mason. I never went on any dates and I wasn’t interested in going on any unless it was with him. I was still living in fear too because Tim still hadn’t been found, so I lived my life looking over my shoulder even though I had my own security. I tried, I really tried but every time I did, I would fall on my face. I would live outside of the order and be miserable over going back and living in fear and getting beat up by men any day, so going back to the order wasn’t even an option for me.

I was physically broken but that all healed for the most part. My bruises were gone and my collar bone was healed and all my swelling was gone, but my arm was still healing. I didn’t have a hard cast anymore, but I did have some kind of brace now. The problem was that mentally and emotionally, I was still broken and I was still bleeding really bad. I thought the worst of myself and it was so bad that I was almost convinced that I was not good enough for Mason. I was almost convinced that he needed to find another girl that was way better than I could ever be. I was convinced that he would be better off without me because I was the worst girlfriend and wife anyone could ever have and my last marriage proved that to me. Mason was incredible, he was amazing, he was my life, he was my world, but I was almost convinced that I didn’t deserve a guy like him because there is no way that I could ever make him happy. I failed miserably as a wife this time, and I was convinced that I would fail as a wife to the man that I loved more than life itself. And since I loved him, I felt like I needed to let him go so he could be happy and not miserable like he would be with me. I couldn’t do that to him because I loved him way too much.

The other thing was that I looked for Mason as best as I could, but I couldn’t find him and I ran out of places and ways to look. I still really really loved him, he was still the love of my life and when I got drunk, I would always think about him and sob because I wanted to be in his arms, I needed him more than anything in this world. I don’t know how, but I just knew that if I could find my Mason and we were able to become best friends again, my life would get right back on track, I would be happy again, I needed him more than anyone could ever understand. I sobbed so so hard and for so long almost every single night because I couldn’t find him. It hurt, but I was not about to give up even though I just knew that I didn’t deserve him. I was in a really bad place in my life, and it’s not a place that I ever thought that I would ever be. I hated, and I mean I hated myself, I didn’t like how I looked and I didn’t like me in general. I was starting to think that mom was wrong about everything when it came to me and Mason, I really did and I was giving up hope a little.

I hated myself so bad for being such an ugly horrible person that I seriously thought that the world would be better off without me. And even though I never gave up looking for Mason, I was starting to think that I was never going to find him. Besides he would be better off without me because he wouldn’t have to look at me, and he would never have to worry about me ruining his life like I did the man I hated, the one I was married to. And after a longer time, I was starting to seriously think that mom was wrong about me having a second chance with Mason, I really was. And for the first time since I started looking for him, I started to give up hope, I started to think that it was never going to happen. There was one good thing that happened since I escaped the order. And that was that Tim was found hiding in a different state by the US Marshals Fugitive Task Force. And the day he got arrested, he was sent back to the state that he almost killed me in and put in jail and he was served with divorce papers the day he got there. Even though that happened, I still didn’t feel any better at all, I was still really really depressed and really sad.

I still never so much as wanted to go on a date with any of the boys I knew then, and I didn’t like any of them like that at all. All I knew was that even though I wasn’t in the order anymore, I still had standards. I have always been taught that having sex outside of marriage was a huge sin. And all the guys I knew just wanted to have sex with me. And since I didn’t, they stopped talking to me and started talking about me behind my back and that just made me feel worse about myself. They always said that I was hot and sexy as fuck, but they never told me that I was beautiful, and they always said that I was a bitch. I didn’t care what they thought, I wasn’t going to compromise my values for anyone, especially since I still had a tiny little bit of hope that I would be with Mason again. I wanted to be clean for him if we ever got back together and I wanted him to be the only one I had sex with after he and I married, maybe even before we got married. He was thee only one I would compromise my values for and that’s it.

Almost seven months after I escaped the order, I found myself more depressed than I had ever been in my life. I was so so drunk, oh my god I was drunk. I woke up and called in sick at work, I worked at the mall and after I did that, I spent the whole day feeling sorry for myself. It got so so bad that I sobbed and sobbed all day long. I hated my life and after a while, I was so so depressed that I decided that I needed to end my life. I was really really drunk but I still knew what I was doing. I went and filled my tub and almost fell a few times before I went to my kitchen and went into my junk drawer.