Chapter I: ‘Look at you now.’

I was wading through a mountainous landscape, naked, stricken by terror. Strangely shaped white hills rolled and folded all around me. The ground was soft and fluffy, firm under my feet but denting with every step I took, which made progress difficult and tiring. I kept looking over my shoulder, running from something I could not see but that filled the atmosphere with a nervous electricity that was palpable in the air.

‘Ah, there you are!’

It was more like a slow and low-pitched growl booming in the air around me, as if a recorder was played back at quarter speed. Beyond the farthest hills to my left, an enormous head rose slowly over the horizon. I froze in my steps, mesmerized by the enormity of it. I recognized the features of my mother’s face, younger and happier than I remembered her.

I turned to my right to escape in the opposite direction, but ran straight into the extended palm of a hand tall as a building. It closed slowly around me and picked me up into the air. The wind ruffled my hair as the hand floated towards the face, which became bigger by the second.

‘I told you it’s no use to run.’

The voice boomed again, and I could see her huge lips slowly folding around the words. Two enormous eyes fixed me in their sight. The hand opened and I slid down into the valley of the cupped palm. Out of nowhere, another hand glided down and picked me up between index finger and thumb, crushing every bone in my body.

I was no taller than half a pencil and almost as thin, pinched between these enormous fingers. I was traveling through the air again, floating towards the large mouth. I thought she was going to swallow me, but a huge tongue slid out and lapped me from my feet to the crown of my head, covering me with a sticky film of thick saliva.

‘Oh my, what do we have here?’

The index finger from the other hand rose from below and tapped my erect penis, flicking it around with a circular movement. It moved away again and I was sliding through the slimy tongue again.

‘Oh what a naughty boy you are.’

Laughter reverberated through the air and I was looking straight into the enormous cavern of her mouth, the pearly white teeth even and perfect, the glistening tongue swaying like a sea inside her mouth, the looming depths of her throat behind it.

‘What, do you want to fuck me? Does this naughty little boy want to fuck his mommy?’

I floated down the length of her body, through the valley between her breasts, over the flatlands of her stomach, through the endless forests of her pubis until I was in front of the long cleft of her naked cunt.

I’d caught glimpses of my mother’s vagina on rare occasions when I was a child, but never this close and much less in this proportion. It was simply huge, spanning top to bottom almost twice my own length. A large patch of curly pubic hair loomed ominously above me, dark and dense. Below it, the thick dark flesh of her outer lips shone through the thinning hair, the surface rough and leathery, sloping back and into the crevice between her thighs.

Far below I saw the pillar-like legs part in right angles and I realized my mother was squatting down. The transformation of her vagina before me, all in slow motion, was a mesmerizing spectacle. The cleft slowly widened, the pockmarked skin sticking together and stretching until the outward pull became too great and it parted like the Red Sea before Moses. It was a zipper-like split that started from below and slowly progressed upward. Thick strands of a transparent slime stretched between the parting rims until they snapped and swung down in an elegant motion, not unlike string cheese. Slowly and majestically, like gigantic dinosaurs from the depths of the earth, two thick ridges of heavily furrowed black flesh sagged down and unfolded, dripping with thick globs of the same transparent slime, slowly parting.

I was taken further down between the wide arc of my mother’s spread legs, and came up right underneath the black and pink flower of her open cunt. The sheer size of it was awe-inspiring and I was unable to take it in completely without making use of my peripheral view. Black fleshy flaps, contorting in the strangest shapes, loomed high above me, nestled within vast ridges of dark puffy flesh. They folded upward and into a wide cave with smooth pink walls, shiny with a thick fluid and collapsing at the far end into a wide dark hole rimmed with fleshy pink fingers like an anemone.

It was towards this hole that I was floating. I was taken up between and past the black flaps and slid head first into the gaping abyss. My shoulders brushed the soft slimy walls, which closed in ever tighter around my body as I was pushed upwards.

It was dark and hot inside and I could hardly breathe. There was a thick sweet smell that made me dizzy, and the slime dripping from the walls around me was penetrating my mouth, nose and eyes.

I slid out of the hole into the light again, only to be stuffed back in almost immediately. The second time I came out it was not straight down; instead, I was pulled upwards through the pink flesh to where the black furrowed flaps joined at the top. Pulling my head up in order to breathe, I saw I was sliding towards a big black knob that emerged from an equally dark fold just below where the black ridges joined in a roof-like structure. On my way up, I bumped through a dimple in the pink flesh that smelled of urine and seemed to have a slit-like opening.
I was rubbed through it a couple of times, almost slipped into the slit once, before the ride upwards continued.

I crashed head first into the black knob, which shuddered in its fleshy fold from the impact. I felt it sway under my belly as I was wrapped and swirled around it, my head slipping over the upper rim of her cunt and sliding through the thick bush above it, thick hairs lashing my face and shoulders.

After a while, I was rushed down again and back into the slimy dark tunnel, moving up and down its length, sometimes inserted so deep that I bumped my head against a soft fleshy crown, sometimes circling the outer rim at the entrance with the fleshy anemone fingers slapping my cheeks.

I was dizzy from lack of air when she finally pulled me out. I was rushed upwards again until I was in front of her face again. Her mouth was twisted into a smirk as she contemplated me.

‘Oh you poor thing, all dirty and slimy and your hair is all a mess. Here, let me give you a shower to clean you up.’

And down I went again to face the dripping cunt, only this time I was placed right in front of the dimple that smelled of piss. Nothing happened for a long while, then the little slit in the centre seemed to dilate ever so slightly and a transparent yellow drop of liquid slipped through it, hung there for a brief moment and trickled down. She placed me even closer to the slit and the next drop that appeared engulfed my head before losing its consistence and sliding off my body. Several more drops popped out, ever faster until a thin stream emerged that weakly splashed up and down my body. The liquid tasted very salty and bitter, and I had to time my breathing in order not to get it into my lungs. After a few seconds it lapsed back to sporadic droplets and I relaxed, taking in a deep gulp of air.

Just then, the slit exploded in a massive spray of yellow liquid that splattered with a loud hissing sound against my face, pushing my head back with a snap and whipping it left and right as it spiralled out forcefully.

Fighting the stream of piss that spouted from my mother’s cunt at such close range sapped much of my strength, and I collapsed when it finally let down. I faintly saw my mother looking at my flax and soaked body with a disgusted look on her face before she dropped me. I screamed and swung my arms and legs wildly as I fell, convinced that I was going to die. Then I splashed into the warm water of a large lake, sinking to the very bottom before I could gather the strength to paddle to the surface. I gulped for air as I came up, breathing in acid fumes that smelled and tasted like urine. I swam and looked around. I had landed into a deep metal bowl filled with my mother’s recent discharge. Looking up, I saw that she was still squatting over it. She was looking down at me.

‘You are absolutely useless to me’, boomed the voice. ‘I can’t even get a half decent fuck out of you. Tell me, what are you good for?’

I looked up at her, forlorn and sad, my heart torn with remorse and self-hate for having once again been found lacking.

‘Ah fuck, why do I even ask? You’re a worthless piece of shit. When you were born, you just slipped out of my ass, that’s how you were born. I bet you didn’t know that, huh? Well, I’m telling you. Cause it’s the truth. You’re a freak of nature. A walking turd.’

While the words were still pounding through my brain, my mother’s hand came down into the bowl and I was picked up again. I was rushed down between her legs again until I found myself staring into a furrowed mound of soft brown skin that was nestled between two large and pointy protrusions beyond and below her cunt. I knew enough body geography to realize I was looking at my mother’s gigantic asshole.

She pushed me upwards until my face was crushed into the serrated gash in the centre of the mound where the furrows seemed to dive inwards. The skin was soft and warm there, but there was a penetrating smell that was sweet and nutty. The mound started to move slowly, swelling outward which widened the gash, then collapsing inward which pulled my head in while her hand pushed upwards. Soon her asshole had swallowed my head. I was in a tight tunnel which held my head in a vice with a force that I believed capable of cracking my skull like an egg shell. The asshole kept pumping in and out, sucking me in gradually until it had swallowed me whole.

Inside it was pitch black dark, and hot and damp. The smell in here was even sharper and right out nauseating. It was the smell of stale shit. I was in a cave-like structure, with a soft and slippery floor that curved upward all around me. As my eyes got accustomed to the darkness, I noticed a faint reddish glow that came off the walls.

A sudden swaying motion knocked me off my feet and I landed on my back. My mother’s body around me was moving and I was sliding up and down her rectum. After a while, a vertical force was added to the motion, pressing me into the floor quickly before releasing me into the air, almost floating while bumping into the soft walls around me.

The swaying motion resumed for a short while, then there was a dull but violent thud and I was thrown ass over tit across my smelly confinement, its walls shuddering. When I scrambled to my feet, all was still. Suddenly, a loud rumble made the walls around me tremble. It sounded like air bubbles welling up in a water dispenser. Then the walls started to widen, and I could hear a rasping or scraping sound somewhere above my head. I looked up, but saw nothing.

I heard the rumbling again and this time it coincided with a marked shifting of the walls. The hot air seemed suddenly to thicken and the smell was fouler and more intense than before. I felt I was breathing in a thick gas that irritated my throat. I was coughing. Then the walls collapsed and the gash beneath my feet fluttered noisily as the gas streamed out through it. Another dense cloud of gas bloated the walls of my mother’s rectum, which quickly deflated again.

It was then I realized what was coming, and I panicked. The rasping had become louder and suddenly a huge dark mass came pushing around the bend high above, preceded by a smell of fresh shit. There was no time. The mass plunged down and I barely escaped from being crushed by pressing my back against the wall. It slid down along the length of my body, pulling me down with it until I was lying on my side, my mouth and eyes penetrated by a thick slime that coated the enormous lump of shit.

When it reached the bottom, the turd started to thicken and bloat, no doubt as more shit came piling in on top of it. My complete body became immersed into the sticky mass and I couldn’t breathe at all. Then I felt the floor beneath me slowly give way and the next thing I knew I was sliding out of my mother’s asshole imbedded in a huge turd.

I managed to pull my head from the shit and took in large gulps of air. I was dangling high above a pool of water of what seemed to be the inside of a toilet bowl. Above me, I saw the wide bottom of my mother’s ass, from which the turd I was hanging on to was slowly emerging.

It was a long drop down into the water, and I immediately sank to the bottom of the bowl before the turd slowly floated up. I jerked and twisted to free myself and swam up to the surface. High above I saw a second turd growing between my mother’s ass cheeks, and I swam to the side before it could take me under as it came crashing down, causing a huge splash that sent me sliding up and around the white walls of the bowl. It floated up after a short while and I hung on to it for dear life. Two more turds came crashing down before the waters around me calmed down.

The bowl lit up with a bright light, and I saw my mother’s ass lifting up into the heights above. Her head appeared over the rim of the seat where her ass had been before, her hair hanging down along her face. She was looking down at me and laughing.

‘Look at you now. See? I told you, you’re nothing but a useless piece of shit. And you know what happens to shit in a toilet bowl, don’t you? Can’t have you swimming around here stinking up the place, now can we?’

Her laughter reverberated inside the bowl again. The face disappeared and I saw her hand reach for the flushing handle. She was still looking down at me and laughing. Water started rushing into the bowl with a loud roar and I was pulled into a wild vortex of brown water and lumpy turds bumping into me, pushing me under, swirling around and around ever faster. The last thing I heard was the happy sing-song from my mother:

‘Peter is a tu-urd, a dirty stinking tu-urd.’



Chapter II: ‘You need a fat horny woman to rattle your bones.’

I woke up with a jolt and for a moment I didn’t know where I was. The TV was spitting out a stream of colourful images which I feverishly tried to connect to a memory of myself, but failed. Then it all came back in a rush, and the realization of my reality plunged me once again into a sadness that had become a customary ingredient of my new life.

It was six months since my wife of seven years had left me. The divorce had been nasty and left me on the brink of bankruptcy. We were childless, but losing her had been devastating and I’d not contested any of her outrageous financial demands. She’d kept the house and left me the car she’d crashed in one of her mad bouts. I had moved into this crummy one-bedroom apartment on the far end of town, which was all I could afford. Later I learned she had been fucking her yoga teacher for over a year and moved him into our house the day after the divorce came through. Some yoga class.

The room suddenly became very small and oppressive. I hated this place, with the smell of piss in the stairway and the mouldy walls and the torn curtains. I had to get out, be among people, feel human for a little while before I could face my loneliness again.

The night air was crisp and I tucked my hands deep into my coat as I stepped out. It was close to midnight and the street was deserted. There was a bar down on th that I’d been visiting lately, dark and quiet which fit my mood. It was empty as I stepped in, but Jewel’s ‘Who Will Save Your Soul’ was playing and I decided to stay.

The woman behind the bar looked up from her paperback as I sat down at the far end, but she didn’t move nor speak. Smoke from her cigarette curled around her tired face. She owned the place and usually sat in the back doing paperwork or drinking with some or other of the old regulars who were always trying to get into her panties. But tonight it seemed her regular bartender had his night off.

I’d never spoken to her. She never seemed to notice me, and there was not a lot about her that called my attention. She was in her early fifties, her short curly hair dyed a dull black, her face puffy and embittered by the loss of youth and beauty. She was a tall woman, equally broad all the way from the shoulders down. She was wearing a shiny black dress that stuck tight to the folds of her full body.

‘Yeah?’

She didn’t get up nor put the book down, barely looked at me over the rim of her reading glasses.

‘Pilsener. Please.’

She sighed and slowly slid off the stool she was sitting on, placing the paperback cover up onto the counter behind her and stubbing out her cigarette in an ashtray before lazily reaching for a glass. I thought she’d go back to reading after serving me my beer, but she leaned over on her elbows in front of me and studied my face. I pulled out a pack of cigarettes and she took one, tilting her head while she leaned into the flame of my lighter, touching my hand with hers although there was no need to cup the flame as we were inside. I lit one for myself.

‘Trouble sleeping?’

‘Having a bad day.’

‘Yeah. Well. Life sucks sometimes.’

‘Tell me about it.’

‘I see you in here sometimes. You’re always alone. You don’t talk very much, do you?’

‘Nothing much to tell.’

‘That why the wife dumped you?’

I jolted.

‘How would you know so much about me? I haven’t told anyone here.’

She shrugged.

‘You don’t have to. It’s written all over you. She cleaned you out, didn’t she?’

‘Are you psychic?’

‘No. Just observant, that’s all. Twenty five years behind the counter, I read people like a book. You’re easy to read.’

‘How’s that?’

‘You don’t belong here. You’re not here because you want to, but because you have to. Your clothes are too fine for this neighbourhood, but there’s a button missing on your coat and that shirt was not ironed by a woman. Your hands and your fingernails are clean, but you haven’t shaved since Friday. And you’re wearing a wedding ring.’

‘What about the ring?’

‘Men come here, they take off their wedding ring but you can see the indention on the finger. You still love her, don’t you?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it.’

‘That’s OK. You don’t have to. Do you no fucking good anyway. You need to get laid, that’s what you need.’

I looked up. Her face was very close to mine and I could see the black pores in her white skin. I drew back a little for comfort.

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘You need a fat horny woman to rattle your bones a bit. A savage wet humping. You’re a fucking zombie every time I see you, whimpering about that bitch wife of yours.’

‘I don’t whimper. And she’s not a bitch.’

I pondered a minute on that and for the first time in months I laughed.

‘OK, maybe she is.’

‘Of course she is. Who she fucking? The plumber? The latino gardener?’

‘Her yoga teacher.’

‘Ha!’

She was silent after that, puffing smoke and checking on her fingernails. She was right, there wasn’t much more to say. My wife – my ex – was a bitch.



Chapter III: ‘Can I stay?’

Suddenly she straightened up, turned off the stereo and walked out from behind the bar.

‘Finish your beer. My place is around the corner.’

She turned the light switches, leaving only the Budweiser sign in the window on. I didn’t move. I hadn’t slept with a woman in over six months and never with a woman ten years my senior and physically less than attractive. Nor was there even the inkling of an emotional bond, something I’d always felt indispensable for any kind of relationship.

‘Listen, I’m not going to beg, if that’s what you’re waiting for.’

‘Can… can I at least know your name?’

‘Susan. Susan Morris. I own this place. And you’re Peter. Jeff told me.’

Jeff was her bartender, working his way through college. We’d talked as I was usually sitting alone at the bar. It struck me as odd that she should have asked him. But then, knowing her clientele was part of her trade.

‘Susan, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.’

She was putting on her overcoat, buttoning it down as she walked up to me.

‘Now, don’t be such a sissy. I’m not asking your hand in marriage, OK? It’s just sex, won’t hurt a bit, I promise.’

She cackled, throwing her head back, then grabbed me under the arm and pulled me off my chair. She didn’t let go of me as I stumbled behind her until we reached the door. She opened it and pushed me through the doorway out into the cold night, stepping out right behind me and locking the door.

‘Give me a hand with the shutter, it’s a bit rusty.’

I reached up and pulled down the iron curtain. It came crashing down with a loud rattle and a bang that echoed through the empty streets. Susan handed me two padlocks and I secured it.

She leaned into me as we walked around the corner, arms entwined. It felt weird to be holding a woman this close again after so long, pacing in with her step so we wouldn’t be bumping shoulders and hips. In her high heel pumps, she was taller than me and for a moment a childhood memory of my mother dragging me along flashed through my mind.

The building where she lived was one of the nicer ones in the neighbourhood. It had an old brick and granite front, with wrought iron railings along the front steps. It had an ample lobby with an elegant foyer and an antique elevator. Susan had the penthouse, which we reached after a bumpy ride up.

She took me straight into the bedroom, not turning on any lights. Red light from a neon sign shone in through the open curtains. She dropped her coat on the floor and unbuttoned mine, dropping it on top of hers. Already her hands were on my belt and by the time I had unbuttoned my shirt, my pants and boxers were crumpled around my feet. Very much to my own surprise, a thick erection was sticking out through the open front of my shirt. Susan cupped it gently from below, and it started jumping up and down like a dog happy to see its master.

‘See? Was that so hard now? I knew you’d like me.’

She pulled my shirt down, then turned her back to me.

‘Unzip me. Hurry up or I’ll cum in my panties.’

She was wearing a black bra and black laced panties under her dress. Her back was wide and very white. I unhooked her bra and she dropped her panties, stepping out of them as she turned around to face me.

She hadn’t taken off her pumps and it was a weird feeling to have to look up at her. She smiled at me and pulled my hands towards her, placing them on her hips. My gaze wandered over her large long breasts which hung loosely over her thick belly, the large brown nipples facing down.

Susan pushed me backwards onto the bed and mounted me, crawling upwards on all fours, her breasts sliding alongside my body until my face was buried inside them. I felt her hand on my dick, pushing it back into an upright position so she could lower herself down onto it. There was a soft squishy sound as I felt it slide into a thick warm moistness, just before she crushed my hips with the weight of her heavy ass. Her breasts rolled off my face as she straightened up. She smiled as she towered above me. I reached out for her, tried to sit up to kiss her, to feel her close, skin on skin, to swim in her breasts again, but she kept me pinned down with her ass.

She started to grind her hips up and down, slowly at first, then with quick little jerks that made me squirm with pleasure. She soon dropped forward onto her hands again, her breasts shuddering and swinging wildly, bumping into and rolling over my chest as she humped my lap with spasm-like thrusts of her hips. Her eyes were closed and drops of sweat were rolling from her arms and chest. She was breathing heavily and grunting like an animal.

My balls exploded just as she let out a bone-splitting roar. Her fingernails dug painfully into my shoulders as she thrust her hips into me, her body shuddering like a huge pile of jelly. I felt my life force drain out of me, into her, as she collapsed on top of me with a loud sigh as if she was deflating. I could hardly breathe with her weight full on my stomach and chest, my face buried deep inside her flesh, her sweat salty on my lips and tongue, stinging my eyes. But I didn’t care. Something had snapped inside me. Something had come loose and an overwhelming feeling of sadness welled up inside my chest, pushing up into my throat. I had to summon all my strength to suppress a sudden urge to cry.

Susan eventually rolled off me, and I suddenly felt very cold and alone. I rolled onto my side and looked at her, but she got up quickly and disappeared through a side door which gave into a bathroom. Her massive buttocks shuddered in the red light streaming in through the window, rendering the trembling flesh a softness and warmth that augmented my longing for her. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

When she came back out, she was wearing a cotton nightgown. She bent down over me and kissed me quickly on the mouth, then disappeared into the kitchen. She came back with two lit cigarettes, handing me one. The soft bass line from Joni Mitchell’s ‘Hejira’ floated in from the living room. She sat on the edge of the bed with her back turned towards me. I got up to fetch an ashtray from the window sill and sat beside her. We smoked in silence.

‘OK, you have to go now. I need to get my beauty sleep.’

I drew from my cigarette and hunched forward. Her distant and cold attitude towards me hurt me somewhere deep inside. I wanted to hold her, be held by her, but she was turning me away. I lowered my elbows onto my knees and slumped forward, resting my head in my hands.

‘Susan?’

‘What?’

‘Can I stay?’

‘What for?’

‘I don’t know. I… just let me lay beside you, yes?’

‘Are you going to propose to me?’

She giggled. I straightened up, annoyed that she was making fun of me in such an emotional moment. But her eyes were warm and she was smiling as she looked at me.

‘No. I… I don’t want to be alone.’

‘You don’t have to do that, you know.’

‘What?’

‘Feeling guilty. It was just sex. It was what it was meant to be.’

‘It was more to me.’

‘Stop that. It was a mercy fuck. Don’t make it into something it wasn’t.’

‘No, you’re wrong, that’s not why I came with you. I…’

‘I didn’t mean you. I. I mercy-fucked you.’

I had to digest that for a while. I’d never seen myself in need of a mercy fuck. But she was right, I was the needy one. Not of a fuck. It had been good and explosive, but it had also unhinged something in me, a need. A need for belonging, a need for being loved.

‘Do you think you could maybe, uhm, mercy-hug me?’

Her head turned and she shot a bewildered look at me. She laughed out loud.

‘I didn’t know you could be so funny. You’re always so sad when I see you.’

But she pivoted towards me and pulled me into her chest. I already loved being there.

‘OK, you can stay. Consider it a privilege. I haven’t let a man sleep over in a long time. And you have to make me breakfast in the morning.’

I took a shower and brushed my teeth with my index finger, taking from her toothpaste. When I stepped back into the room, she was already asleep, snoring lightly. I slipped in under the sheets beside her, still naked.



Chapter IV: ‘Breathe! Breathe!’

She was still asleep when I woke up. It was a beautiful and crisp Sunday morning, the sun already high in a cloudless sky. Children were playing down in the street, and cars and trucks were rumbling on the thoroughfare beyond the rail tracks.

I kissed her forehead and sat on the bed beside her. For the first time in six months, the heavy cloud of sadness had lifted and I felt light-hearted, almost happy.