Some days after I lost the fight against John…I continued my life just the way it was ever since I moved in to San Diego, California…a boring day on school, doing homework…lots and lots of homework…hanging around with friends from my class….Alex and Mark’s own “Messing Around”…and in one of these “messing around moments” Alex invited us to sleepover at his place…we took our opportunity of course…we played wii, Xbox, talked about the new upcoming PS4 and how we all were already sticking with Sony this time, that earned us some laughs, that’s when the questions were mostly turned to things from the past…

“Who was your first crush?”, “First Kiss! Tell us about it!”, “When was the first time you jerked?”…I sincerely have no interest on talking about the past….from where I am standing…the past is something unecessary, expendable…after all everything is already gone….I killed several memories from the moment I got here…but of course…the questions were obviously turned to me..and Alex got the chance to ask me.

“Who was your first crush? BOY crush…” He asked…

Yeah I remember my first…almost-boyfriend…that’s a story I can share after all…


-Brazil,Rio de Janeiro, July 2009-

Ok here we go…I always had a certain…atraction toward boys…specially some in my class, of course, at that time, all boys want to prove that they are tough, that’s one of the few reasons why my mother, ever since I was little, encouraged me into signing up to special grups such as Archery, Parkour….and I’d give everything I had ever since…I was only 12 at the time but I understood the fact that if I do something wrong…mom would scold me until we got home…and of course, I didn’t want that…

Anyway, I had a crush on a couple of guys at my school….Fernando, he was pretty, and a nice guy….but you can’t get him angry….Matthews Luca, a cool guy and pretty, but no way he’d give in to a bi or gay guy…Thiago? Why not…he was a gay, already out of the closed and actually cute….but I actually doubt that he’d want anything to do with a guy like me…

Doubts like that made me walk around with my best friend at the time, his name is Lucas, short hair, Light brown, slender like I was, about my tall, however…he had something I could never forget….besides being my best friend…he had pretty…and I mean PRETTY eyes…they were green…with a bit of blue, and according to the light, the color would variate between Green and Blue, so he was never with bad eyes….I had him as a brother, we played, joked, talked about others, played games togheter and even shared moments that only the closest brothers shared, like seeing eachother naked, and changing togheter(with no one around of course) it was funny at the time, I actually thought to myself if I was actually falling in love with him…

“Hey…grow up…if he’s your friend, he will accept the fact that…well…you like boys…maybe?” That’s what I thought to myself everyday….on my bed, I’d always look at the mirror, trying to find something wrong on my way of being…the thing is…I was actually an introverted kid…girls from school used to say that I’d grow up as some crazy adult and kill everyone…I never gave much attention to it…but of course…I deserved that…I was basically an emotionless kid…walking around with black AllStar shoes, black jeans, the school’s uniform shirt(which was obrigatory) and a black coat that looked like a greatcoat on me.

Lucas in fact was introverted too….at the beggining….then he started to let loose…talk to girls, make impressions of funny characters outloud in class, and I started following his lead, I’d whistle musics which actually had a whistling part, he’d congratulate me on the “EPICNESS!” which I actually thought that it was cool…to me, Lucas would actually lighten up my day if it was boring.

“That’s it!” I was decided with my child’s mind that I’d tell him who I actually was…”I AM BI” that’s what I had to say…3 simple words…and I was so nervous….I came closer to him on our way home…what I said was obviously on my first language, portuguese, but I’ll translate it to you…

“Hum…Lucas….” I said.

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“Awsome translating buttface…” Alex said, interrupting me.

“Hey, you want to hear the story or not?” I asked him

“Hey man!