Collisions – A Crazy Sexy Lawyer Tale

by Limnophile

–

“So, you were watching porn on your phone while driving, and you think the GUY YOU CRASHED INTO is a jackass?”

I tilted my head back and rolled my eyes. I was glad he was on the phone, instead of in my office.

“Well, it’s your lucky day. We have proof the other driver was making an illegal left turn, so you’re not 100% at fault. I seriously think you should cut your losses and settle. If this goes all the way to trial, just the legal fees could be over thirty grand. The damage to your car isn’t even a third of that. His insurance company will probably pay for half your repairs if we settle. Yeah, Sam, I know you think he’s an asshole, but is it worth that much to prove it? OK, OK, I’ll see you at the courthouse Friday at 9.”

I was glad that was my last call of the day. My wife Mary and I had agreed many years ago, 8pm to 6am was OUR time, we would stop letting people steal it from us. Both of us getting calls in the middle of the night was wrecking our sleep, we were tired and angry all the time, and our jobs and family suffered.

Once we were sleeping well again, we had the energy to start exercising and quit smoking. Other than our “diet cheat weekend” once a month, we quit drinking and eating junk food too. I told my pal Tom about it, and he and his wife Donna started doing the same. He said the first month was tough, but their health and happiness improved enormously.

I reached to shut off my phone, just as I got a text from my daughter Kate; “Mom has something to tell you. Don’t freak out. Everything will be ok.” I shut it off and tossed it on the nightstand.

Mary called to me, “Ben, come on down, let’s relax in the tub.” I stripped to my boxers and walked toward the hot tub. I relished the opportunity to soak in some hot water with my hot soulmate. We had been married nearly twenty years, and she still turned me on. She had a cute little nose, green eyes that sparkled in the sun, curly brown hair, firm “C” cup breasts, and a tight, shapely butt. I was a lucky guy. It was Monday night but as I turned toward her, I saw Mary carrying two glasses of wine. “Let’s get in and have a glass. I have something to tell you.”

I tried to be jovial and reduce the tension as I climbed in, “So are you really a Martian, or worse yet, a politician?” Mary’s look was serious and I got a little worried. “Is our daughter on drugs? Is she gay? Is she dropping out of college?” The look on Mary’s face changed a little.

“Don’t worry. Kate’s fine and I’m too honest and smart to go into politics, unlike you.” She poked me in the ribs. I had run for judge the last fall and lost by 3 votes. When the results were in, she teased me, “Did you remember to vote for yourself? You might have won if you voted for yourself.”

“Ben, seriously, I’m not sure how to tell you this … I ah … I was at a bar last Saturday with my friends and went to the ladies’ room. As I was walking out, a pretty woman came in and kissed me. I don’t know why, but I liked it and kissed her back. I’m so sorry Ben. I would never mean to hurt you. Please don’t hate me!”

“So, did you do more than kiss? Are you going to see her again? Did you fuck her?”

“No! I would never cheat on you! I don’t even know her name! It was just a kiss, and I feel so bad!”

“So, are you a lesbian now? Are you divorcing me?”

“NO! Ben, no! I love you! I love you more than anything! I don’t want anything to change. If I didn’t tell you, you might never have known, but I’m being honest and telling you! Please! I’m so sorry!”

Tears started to pour from her eyes as she hugged me tightly.

I hugged her back and kissed her cheek. “It’s ok Mary. I forgive you. I love you too.”

Under other circumstances, I would have made a smartass comment about ‘no kissing girls unless you share’.

I was so relieved and happy Mary wasn’t leaving me, I just kept hugging her.

–

The next morning before work I went to the gym for my usual Tuesday/Friday workout. Tom and I had been gym buddies for a few years and played basketball most Wednesday nights with our friends too. He was an attorney too, and unhappy with his unreasonable boss. We had a conversation as we lifted and spotted for each other. I told him, “Tom, if you’re willing to jump ship, I can get you in our firm as a junior partner. You could skip over associate. Technically, I’d be your boss, but I think you’d be happier?” He said he would think about it.

On Friday morning he said he was still thinking it over and added, “Today is going to suck. I’m busy all day, and my first client is a total prick. He’s such a jerk his last lawyer quit on him three days ago.”

I sympathized, “My first one of the day is a dickhead too. The case doesn’t even make sense. He’s going to spend three times as much on my fees as the amount he might get, and that’s only if he wins.”

“Have a better one. See you next week.”

I got to court a few minutes early and waited for the clerk to call the stupid case for my stupid client. When the case was called, my client Sam and I walked up to the plaintiffs’ table and had a seat. The respondent Alex sat down, and I was surprised to see he was represented by my pal Tom!

The judge said, “You may begin.”

“Your honor, may I speak with opposing counsel?”

“Ok, but make it quick.”

Tom and I had an idea.

“Your honor, we would like to postpone this matter and attempt to reach a settlement. I think we found a way to work this out.”

“If I don’t need to waste another day of the court’s time on this, that’s fine with me. Case will continue…” He looked at the calendar “… 2pm on the 23rd of next month, unless you reach a settlement by then.”

Tom and I brought our clients out in the hall. He floated our idea, “Neither of you really care about the money. He’s a rich music star, and you’re a successful businessman. This is about pride and which of you is right.” They both nodded.

I continued, “We have a simple way to decide this. It’ll only take ten minutes, instead of dragging it out for months. We’ll only charge you half what a trial would cost.”

“Sounds good.” “Fine by me.”

We got them to sign an agreement. Whoever lost would post a message online and in the local paper, apologizing for being a bad driver and causing the accident. Each of them would pay for their own repairs and legal fees.

The four of us met at the gym that night. Tom tossed each of them a pair of boxing gloves and I said “Five rounds or first knockdown. Fight!” I rang the bell.

I don’t remember and it doesn’t matter now, which of them won.