Chapter 3



“So how have you been? You haven’t really talked to me in three days.” Jack asked, facing Kelly in the black-drop dreamscape in her mind.

“What are you talking about? It’s kind of hard to carry on a conversation with someone when the first half of the conversation occurs in your mind.” she sighed, sitting on the invisible ground.

“Ah, of course.”

Kelly took a deep breath, shaking from head to toe. Even when asleep, she couldn’t get away from her withdrawal symptoms, and it was driving her up the wall. Normally she wouldn’t be able to even get out of bed with how far she was falling, but this was far easier than ever. Regardless, she felt like she was covered in fire ants every second of every day, and there was another aspect, one that she hadn’t encountered before. The pain struck her deep, deeper than she could have ever imagined.

“Well it’s pretty hard to focus when I feel like I’m stuck in a wood chipper.”

“Tell me, is this pain different from other times?”

“Yeah, it’s… deep. It feels almost like I’m getting stabbed, but it’s not hurting until it hits me in the very center. Compared to this, the other times were a lot more powerful, but they could almost be called dull while this is sharp.”

“That is because your perception of pain as been changed. It has weakened in intensity because you have taken your first steps on the path of enlightenment. You have a true reason to quit drugs and your life has been changed. As for the “sharpness” you described, that is because you are truly aware of the pain. You are becoming aware of yourself, the pain you are experiencing is beginning to leak down into your core and come into contact with the Self. You could say that this is the first time you have truly felt real pain. While the pain is distracting, use it to find yourself, like using water to find leaks in a tire.

If I may offer you a suggestion, the next time you have a moment to yourself, try meditating. Focus on your senses, explore your sensations, move to the center of your perception and feel all in the universe around you.”

Kelly nodded almost nervously. “Ok, I’ll try.”

“And tomorrow, let’s have lunch.”

This made Kelly laugh. “A figment of my imagination asking me for a date? These withdrawal symptoms are worse than I thought. Besides, everyone knows that Vicky girl has been clinging to you like glue. Sorry, but I don’t want her to claw my eyes out.”

“It’s Victoria. And don’t worry, she’s not the jealous type. Besides, you are my friend.”

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The morning was warm, far warmer than usual for early December, with any fallen snow already melting in the dawn light and the remaining birds flying around with revitalized souls. Victoria was standing at Jack’s front door, straightening her hair and preparing for the conversation she would likely have with his parents. Jack lived three miles from the school, but always walked back and forth, even when he could easily take the bus. She lived a bit farther as it turned out, right down the road from him, a twenty-minute walk at most.

Glad her backpack was light, Victoria knocked on the door and stood patiently while looking around. The Owen family had just moved back only a few days ago and the exterior showed it. The garage was open, showing several recycling bins full of crushed cardboard boxes, the lawn hadn’t been mowed in a long time, and the house just felt like it was still in the process of being personalized. Victoria quickly turned back to the door as it was opened, revealing Jack’s mother. She had Jack’s tall narrow frame and gray eyes, but pale-blond hair.

“Can I help you?” She asked.

“Mrs. Owen, I’m Victoria Ellie, Jack’s girlfriend. I know that Jack normally walks to school, so I thought that I would join him this time while the weather is still good. I live just down the road actually. It’s very nice to meet you.” Victoria cheerfully said, causing Jack’s mother to light up like a Christmas tree.

“Oh my, Jack told us all about you! Please, come in! Oh, and just call me Laurie,” she said, standing aside and waving Victoria in.

“Thank you.”

Victoria stepped inside and followed Mrs. Owen into the kitchen, where Jack’s father was eating breakfast. He was shorter than Jack’s mother, but had the same head of blond hair, even though he was barely in his forties.

The house was still filled with boxes of stuff left to be unpacked, but it looked like the Owens had pretty much figured out where the key items were meant to go. Shelves had been put up, already filled with books and family pictures, furniture had been moved around and situated as to personal desire for appearance and comfort, and the house was quickly filling up with the family’s energy.

“Harold, this is Victoria, the girl that Jack has been talking about.”

Jack’s father practically bolted from his chair and shook her hand. “We’ve been hoping we’d get to meet you. I’m not sure whether I’m surprised or not that he has a girlfriend; he was always followed around by all the girls at his old school, but this is the first time he’s ever shown interest in return.”

“Well I definitely consider myself lucky. I really hope he hasn’t left already, I wanted to walk to school with him since it’s so warm out.”

“Oh no, you’re just in time. He’ll be down in just a second,” said Laurie, just a moment before the sound of feet on stairs reached everyone’s ears.

Smiling as usual, Jack came down into the kitchen and his grin widened when he saw Victoria. “Ah Victoria, what a pleasant surprise. Taking advantage of the weather?”

“Yeah, I was thinking we could both walk to school. Come on, we’re going to be late.”

“Alright. Bye Mom, dad, see you later,” Jack said, grabbing his backpack and following her outside.

“Have a good day you two!” Harold called before the door was closed. “Came back to school just the other day and already has a girlfriend, he never stops surprising me,” he then said, sitting back down and taking a sip from his cup of coffee.

“I just hope they stay together. Jack has never been truly sad before, I’d like it to stay that way. But she definitely seems like a sweet girl,” Said Laurie.

——————————————————

“It’s such a beautiful morning, especially for December. It feels like we completely skipped winter and have jumped into spring,” Victoria said, breathing in the fresh air.

True to her words, the scent of fertile soil and livening plants was being carried on the wind and the birds were fluttering across the sky with new energy. It was like nature itself was reacting to the heat of the sun and waking back up.

“This winter has certainly been milder than I remember, but any warm sunny day in the winter is still a fresh blessing up here in Maine. Under the light of the sun, life is brought forth with new vigor, allowing the human spirit to flourish in tandem with the wildlife. I’m glad we get to have a day like this before nature once again falls asleep.”

“How poetic.”

“The human heart is lifted not by material comforts, but by the sentimental value and the meaning in which they carry and what they give us. A child is happy when he gets a toy because it becomes the lightning rod for creativity, a man is thrilled when he gets a TV because of the view of the world that he receives with it, and a woman is overjoyed when she gets diamond jewelry because the amount of money spent on it shows how hard the man worked to try and find a way to show his love.

But for me, I prefer the metaphysical to the physical. To me, hearing a beautiful poem or a majestic symphony is worth more than gold. We can live without material possessions, but we cannot live without the things that make a human life worth living, and those are the things that cannot be held.”

“Good, so now I know what to get your for your birthday.”

“It’s coming right up, my birthday is on the 21st. Since I was born on the winter solstice, my parents named me Jack, as in Jack Frost.”

“Oh, well then maybe someday your nickname for me can be Mrs. Frost,” Victoria teased.

“Maybe,” Jack hummed.

——————————————————

“Oh Jesus, here comes Tyler,” Victoria said worriedly as the lumbering senior crossed the school campus. It was 7:25, school had started, and in five minutes, the three teenagers would be late for first period.

“Relax, he doesn’t want to fight me. Please go wait inside, Victoria, he only wants to talk,” Jack said without worry. Regardless, Victoria didn’t move. “Victoria, I promise you, nothing bad will happen. Go, I’ll be in class in just a few minutes.”

Fearing for his safety but willing to obey, Victoria nodded and walked away from him towards the school, making sure she gave Tyler a wide girth.

“Ah, Tyler Deck, how can I help you?”

Tyler came to a stop and bit his lip before answering. “I wanted to apologize for hitting you the other day, and I’m sorry it took me so long to come and apologize. There are a lot of people in this school who’s forgiveness I need.”

“I was never someone you had to apologize to. I let you hit me in order to help you, I should be thanking you for listening and letting me know that I was able to make a difference in someone’s life.”

“But I still hit you and it had to hurt.”

“How many times must I repeat myself? Indeed it did hurt, the key was not minding that it hurt.”

Tyler scowled in confusion, thinking back to when he had heard it in his dream. “Repeat yourself? But you only ever said it once before.”

Jack gave another small laugh. “Yes, you’re right. But listen to me, Tyler, pain is not a negative, it is not a bad thing. Pain hurts, but it only harms when we let it. There is an unavoidable biological aspect to pain, but if you can come to terms with it, then pain looses all meaning, and if you can look beyond it, then you can give it a new meaning. Just like how masochists enjoy pain, you can lose all fear and weakness to pain if you can understand it and look beyond it at the greater view.

If you were to punch me in the nose right now, yes it would sting. I would stagger back, undoubtedly tearing up, and quite frankly it would hurt like hell. I can’t stop my body from hurting, but by changing the meaning that I put on pain, I can lessen the intensity and keep it from slowing me down. I can’t block pain, but I can perceive it in a less potent way. To me, a wound hurts because it sends signals to my brain, but never do I let fear invoke fear or anger, and it is in that struggle that real pain is experienced. Quite simply, I don’t mind it hurting, it doesn’t really affect me any more than a limb falling asleep or getting my feet stuck in the mud.

Understand this, Tyler, because this will let you forgive yourself. Pain is unavoidable, but the intensity is up to us. We are nothing but atoms and energy, neither of which contain reason or meaning. The reason or meaning of everything we experience is created by our own minds. If you can realize this and I mean TRULY realize this, then even pain that has a social reaction loses its power over you. If you understand pain in its entirety, then even the most stigmatized pain can become truly harmless.” Jack explained. The third part of the explanation caught Jack’s attention and brought him back to the dream he had after meeting Jack for the first time.

“What do you mean ‘stigmatized pain’?”

Jack sighed and wiped away his smile. “Before I answer that, please know that everything I say, I do so carefully. Back before I returned to this school district, there was a girl I knew, a very dear friend of mine. I taught her everything I knew and helped her achieve enlightenment. One night, she was mugged and raped. When she went under a psychological evaluation, she said that the movie she went to was hilarious, the night was beautiful, and through her eyes, no harm was done to her. She admitted the sexual assault was painful, but only physically.

She was able to look past the social and psychological meaning of what had been done to her. She said she had asked herself a question. That question was, “what does this mean for me and only me”? In truth, she realized that it had very little. She was alive and nothing anybody could say or think could hurt her. The pain, yes it was unavoidable, but it was more than tolerable when she considered it not as an attack in terms of sexuality, but just harm inflicted from one person to another, carrying only what value she gave it. She told the social worker that since she cut out all social and psychological perception to what she was experiencing, she knew it was no different than a severe punch to the face, and it was the meaning of the act that was more dangerous than the act itself.

She said that her virginity had been taken in the process but that she didn’t mind, because it was up to her as to what that meant. Even if that was her first sexual experience, that didn’t mean it was her last, and it didn’t mean that every other time in her future couldn’t be with someone she loved. Yes, it had happened, and she could never change that, but when she said that there was no reason to let her affect her life, I knew that she wasn’t in denial or trying to hide from what had happened. She had truly mastered her trauma, even while it was happening, and she knew that the only true harm was when she gave the event meaning.

Last I heard, she transferred out of state and does volunteer work at women’s shelters, teaching them out to take the power out of their pasts and see themselves and only themselves, and not society or its labels.”

Tyler gave a sad smile and took a deep breath, as if he was on the verge of crying. “So she was ok with what happened?”

“Yes, because that is how she chose to see herself and what happened to her. She chose what she felt, what it meant to her, and how it affected her, and with that self-control, she was able to keep it from having any effect on her.”

“Did she forgive her rapist?” Tyler then asked.

“Yes.