Day 1, Thursday

When I woke up today I didn’t know who I was and where I was. I just felt sick. Sick like I’ve never felt before. The pain didn’t come from a specific part of my body, rather from everywhere at once. My head, my arms, my legs, my stomach – everything felt like it was burning and melting at the same time. I cringed and groaned in pain for what felt like hours until I fell to sleep again and had a nightmare of flames, blood and my parents.

When I woke up the second time my mouth was dry, my face was pressed down on my pillow as if I tried to suffocate myself, my cheeks were sticky with my drool. I recapitulated on the feeling I had this night. Does it feel like this to have a blood poisoning? A dialysis? Memories came back to me and realized that I not actually ‘never felt sick like this before’. It was just another night.

I raised my head, got my sight on my alarm clock – to which I had set no alarm – and sighed. Eight a.m. meant that I wouldn’t be late to algebra lecture if I hurried. I toddled into the bathroom and washed the spit off my face, took two or three painkillers, no time for my daily staring contest with my reflection, only to comb my shining black, straight hair a bit, take on a little make-up and a lot of perfume to cover the smell of my sweat.
Then I got back into my bedroom, opened the Thursday-shelf and put on what I had there, slip, bra, socks, black leggings, white shirt, a look in the mirror told me that it was… I didn’t know, I just hurried to get a small snack, a banana, nothing more, then I put on my denim jacket and sneakers and headed outside.
The problem with being unable to say ‘no’ is that the word ‘yes’ loses all of its meaning. And as everything I say thereby is meaningless I decided to rather say nothing at all as often as possible. But there is my next problem: I can’t meet decisions either, in this case meaning that I too often trick myself into saying things that I regret immediately.

That said, I made it just in time to meet John entering lecture hall. Oh boy, if I just had come late.

“Hey Ally, you look tired today! Is everything okay?”

The only good thing about him is that he always says what he thinks, making our conversations much less embarrassing.

“Yeah, I felt a little down this morning…” I lied. I feel down all the time.

“Huh? Don’t let yourself down, Ally!” Jerkass.

I am used to ignore everyone around me but John is the one person that always has to start talking to me, and I never say ‘Go fuck yourself!’ but just let him follow me around all day or even follow him. I hate him for that.

I hate this as much as I hate his nature, always jolly, always telling everyone to be happy with themselves, and he has this arrogant attitude to himself, as if he could help everyone with that. Of all people there are the one guy I hate the most is my only ‘friend’, maybe even has a sexual interest in me or something. But the worst part in it is myself. I can’t say no. I can’t say John how much I hate him and how much I want to be alone with myself. I can’t.
John and I took place next to each other as the professor came in. What was her name again? I couldn’t concentrate more than ten minutes, John said something to me but I couldn’t understand it as well. The world shrank down to the size of my body. I was sticky by sweat and I smelled, although this couldn’t be possible by the amounts of perfume I took, so I guess the smell was just in my head. The worst part was my crotch. I am always a little wet, I just can’t help it, even in the least arousing or most painful moments, I am always like this. My slip was already drenched with the slime, my head started to ache.
When I woke up, only John sat by my side.

“Hey Ally, wake up! The lecture is over!” he grinned. I looked up into his eyes, then raised my body. John didn’t seem to notice how yucky I felt. I guess I’m better off if people don’t see me like I see myself.

“Wanna get some lunch?” he smiled.

“Uh sure,” was everything I could respond.

On our way to the cafeteria I had a hunger flash so when it came to it, I really tucked in.

“If you always sleep in the math classes, you’re never gonna pass!” John said eating.

As if I cared.

“Well, I bet YOU could make it even if you slept all the time!” I spoke with my mouth full. ‘Great Alice, now you are already feeding his ego, why don’t you just ask him to bring your relationship to the next level?’ I cursed myself.

“How do you know that I don’t sleep if you always do?” Ha-ha.

Josh came by and took place not far from us. ‘Not far from us’ as in he left enough space for two or three persons to sit between us. I liked Josh, he reminded me a little of myself. Unfortunately this included being as shy as me, which meant that we never got to talk. I casted a glance at him, he was wearing an awfully ugly brown pullover and a quite stylish cornered glasses. He was tall and slender with medium-length black hair, the absolute average nerd.

“Hey Josh!” John greeted.

“Hey Johm,” Josh responded, calling John by his silly nickname, which for some reason everyone but me kept using.

“Hey Ally,” he said in my direction.

“Hey,” I said blushing and continued to eat.

One of Josh’s greatest ‘strengths’ was that he always knew the silliest stories:

“Have you guys heard that thing that Michael pulled yesterday? He managed to convince Hannes that the exam questions are stored in the staff bathrooms and guess what Hannes did! He sneaked into the female staff bathroom to cheat and was caught by Miss Enelda!”

Miss Enelda was the professor whose name I forgot earlier, thank you, Josh.

“Looks like somebody is in trouble,” John commented, while I just devoured another sandwich.

“You say it, Johm!” Josh’s tone was a little too joyful about this in my opinion.

The two of them then had a debate about something political, about which I couldn’t care less. John talked a lot about ‘values’, whereas Josh seemed to be a fan of ‘equality’ and ‘justice’, which sounded a little smarter in my ears, but as I said, I couldn’t care less.

“I don’t get how you manage to eat as much as two bodybuilders and yet stay in shape!” John said when Josh was gone. The trick is simple: Most of the time I eat almost nothing, these hunger flashes just occur like once per week, so I go perfectly fine with it. Yet comments like these make me uncomfortable in two ways: At first, I am afraid that John could find out how sick I actually am, which wouldn’t be that bad I think, because he couldn’t irritate me more than he already did if he tried to help me… and second, much scarier, they confirm my suspicion that he likes me in a sexual way. What am I thinking? He is a man and I a pretty young woman, of course he wants to fuck me – also he always wants to spend time with me and I don’t even have the guts to say how I feel so he probably thinks I love him or something.

But now our ways split as the two of us had different subjects the rest of the day, I somehow managed to get my thoughts together and had quite the nice day. The only person requesting anything from me was Mel, who came to me when I wanted to go home, so that I would be gone when John would be finished. Mel was absolutely irresponsible and ignorant, which to led to everyone slandering behind her back that she would have ‘mistaken college for a bar’. I found this a little unfair as I thought it suggested that Mel would be some kind of slut, but although her always wearing fancy dresses – which is her good right – to me she seems to be rather chaste. That didn’t make her innocent of being a dumb bitch though, I already knew what she wanted before she asked.

“Hey Alice, could you help me out? I missed the biology lecture yesterday, that one about the viruses, and I don’t understand the notes on it. I already asked Liz, but she said it wasn’t her business…”

She was right about that, if Mel wasn’t there it was her own fault and if she didn’t get it from the notes, how was she planning to pass anyways, but of course I said,

“Well, okay, no problem!”

Since my parents’ death I have been unable to meet any form of decision, no matter if it was what to wear for a day or what to do with my life. The simply solution to the clothes-dilemma was to create a plan what I would wear every day of the week, for example Thursday, at which I always went out in denim jacket, shirt and leggings, whereas I would wear a white blouse red skirt combination every Friday and so on.

For ‘what to do with my life’ it wasn’t that simple, here I am, studying a stupid combination of subjects I am neither sure how I first came to it nor interested in the slightest bit, not expecting to actually use them but just to have somewhere I have to go, so I wouldn’t stay home all day. I am not working either and without the heritage I would pretty sure have a serious problem. But the worst thing is saying ‘no’. When I am alone, it is no problem, I practice saying it in front of the mirror hundred times a day, but if I have to say it to someone else… I’ve never done it since the day. I get talked into things every day, be it doing extra work, going to parties I talk to no one on or just being around John. My life is determined by what people suggest me to do, especially by John.

Speaking of which, after explaining everything to Mel, which took an eternity – how that dumb bitch even passed grade school is an enigma to me – John was also finished for the day and headed straight to me, looking kind of nervous.

“Hey”, I said with a fake smile, noticing that his face was really red… He wasn’t…?

“Ally, I have to tell you something…” he said with an uneasy voice.

Oh my god, this couldn’t be happening! I could imagine only two things he would say and I was pretty sure that he wouldn’t say ‘I am gay’, so I wanted to flee very badly, but of course, I couldn’t.
I was panicking, but before he could say anything else, his phone ringed and after a short call he said,

“Oh shit, I have to go! Sorry, see you tomorrow!” looking disappointed and hurried away.

I pressed my back against a wall and slid down to the ground, where I sat for about 20 minutes and thought about what just had happened. John wanted to make a step toward me and if he would try again, I surely wouldn’t have the same luck I had today and we all know how this would end. I had to prevent this! But I couldn’t think of a way to do it, not in the college floors and not on my way home. Whereas…
I could drop out of college and move, maybe live in my parents’ house… but that would be even worse, wouldn’t it? I’d rather stick with John than with the building that reminds me of my guilt every day…

When I was home, the first thing I did was to strip off all my clothes and examining my nude body in the mirror. I let my hands run down my body, from my shoulders over my C-cup breasts, along my waist and my hips, down my legs to my feet. My skin was smooth but still felt sticky, today I would sleep in the whirlpool, I decided. I picked up my slimy, soaking wet slip, sniffed on it and pressed my lips together. ‘Fucking wetness’, I thought, my hand wandering to my crotch, every other issue was wiped off my mind. I went to the bathroom, let hot water into the whirlpool, massaged my feet and legs while waiting, looking into another mirror. I got to many mirrors in here, I thought, not wanting to look into my own eyes, but bound to my reflection. The person I hate the most… I spent the whole day looking for them in my life, only to realize that she sat right here, in my bathroom, again staring into my eyes for hours. I didn’t avert my eyes when I got into the steaming water, washing the sweat off my body…

There she was, so pretty and sweet, with her innocent-looking blue eyes and the pure pale skin that now turned red from the waters heat… Another 22 years old girl that wastes the heritage of her parents because of hedonism. Her parents, who are only dead because of the same hedonism of hers… That terrible person was me. But of course I could only be this terrible person as long as I was home, outside I was determined by others… I decided to call this facet of myself – my true self – home-me.

I didn’t towel myself down when I got out, just let the water drip to the ground until I stood in a puddle, which I then dried with a towel. Nude as I was, I went to the kitchen of my apartment and kneeled down on the tiles, with my insteps on the ground, my heels touching my butt and my feet pressed down by my weight. I put my hands on my knees and closed my eyes to meditate, focus on the good things. About how other people wouldn’t even have the possibility to live in an apartment as big and luxurious as mine, about even if I wasted my life I could very well live to the ends of days by what I got. Also, I was pretty wrecked down and stuff, but at least I wasn’t drug addicted or something. Just the other thing. Thinking of it made chills go down my spine and heat build up in my belly and crotch.