Bonds of youth
Turning my head with a painfully deep sigh, I run my fingers through my thick, hazel brown hair. I look out of the window, gazing down upon the well kept college grounds from the perch of the third floor of the tower block. I can feel the boredom take a tight grasp over my mind, wishing that I could lie on the fields and just soak in all the sunlight. The exams had ended a few weeks ago and I had handed in every piece of coursework, but our teacher, the notoriously short tempered, and statured Mrs Lowe, had decided that we would stay till the standard end of the college term. Classes had become so simple lately, that I spend almost every day like this, finishing hours before the lesson does.

“Theodore!” I feel my heart skip a beat as Mrs Lowe barks out my name, and I realize just how far my mind had wandered, a blush descending over my cheeks as I slowly register the faint chuckles around the room from my classmates “We may have finished our examinations, but I do not expect you to neglect your work like this, eyes back to your computer, not the birds and bees…”

I feel frustration bubbling to the surface at her words, and thoughts of what I would like to say run rampant through my mind “Take a look, I finished an hour ago!”, “But there’s nothing left for me to do, can’t I just leave?”, “Why do we have to stay, the college is empty!” These complaints are swallowed, along with pride and empty air as I nod, replying in an obedient tone “Sorry Mrs Lowe…” Turning back to my computer screen, I fiddle with the documents for a little while, playing with the font and format in a vain attempt to occupy myself before I hear the ding of an incoming email, and see the title of the message pop up on the screen ‘Good afternoon teddy bear’. I smile warmly, knowing who it is before even clicking the message, only Bellissa, my closest childhood friend, uses pet names with me.

Hey Teddy bear *Hugs* I know that you must be bored so I decided to brighten your day ^_^ Bet you want me to brighten it right there, sitting in your lap? 😉

I feel the tips of my ears heat up as I read the end of her message, and look around to make sure no one is looking… She is always so timid around others, even when we were in primary school, but lately she has been acting so differently around me… I guess she is just teasing me? Refocusing my mind, I type up a quick reply. Hey Bellissa *Blushes and hugs back* Bored as always of course >_> what about you? Having fun with your “independent studies”? Lmao

I barely have any time to wait before her reply comes in, and I can imagine her giggling on her side of the computer as she continues her teasing. Blushes? =o lol, hiding something in your lap Teddy? All on my own here… The tone of her message soon becomes unusual, as I notice that she has attached a picture, but her message is not over yet. Wanna see what I’m doing?

I move the cursor to click and download the attachment, yet I pause as my breath gathers and sticks in my throat. I know that she is not the sort of girl to do anything indecent, but with all the teasing… I just have to look around first, to make sure there are no eyes on me… When I am sure it is safe, I click the link and save the picture to my usb, my heart hammering as I wait for a picture to come up on my screen… Finally, the breath escapes my throat as I realize that it is an innocent picture of her, wearing her school blouse and skirt with a tie and knee high socks, a sad smile crossing her lips as she sits at home alone. Writing a speedy reply, I send it off, but feel an unusual disappointment welling up inside of me, almost wishing that the picture was something more… Aww = ( You look so bored Bell. No way to entertain yourself? = P

Again, her reply comes quickly and I am left wondering if she had planned for my responses. Yup yup, you are Teddy Bear 😉 Come over after class is over ok? Don’t want to spend another afternoon alone with my books =’(

I write my reply as quickly as my fingers can move, and say that I would love to come over, but she has no reply this time. Curiosity and concern cloud my mind as the day rolls on, and I am grateful that the last day before summer vacation always ends early…


Gazing out of the window as I ride the bus, my hand tightens around the pole in front of me, my mind drifting back to the photo, but focusing on my thoughts before I opened it… “What was I expecting to see? Was I really expecting something perverse from her? Was I really expecting her to want me to see her, to think of her like that? Was I… Was I really expecting Bell to feel the same way I do about her…?” Sighing deeply, I sink into the seat, my mind delving deeper along the road I had wandered a thousand times “Bell… She is just a friend right? I have been the guy that helps, the guy that supports her, through the hard times, the guy who listens to all the gossip about her boyfriend, and shared all her smiles…” Leaning forwards, I stand from my seat and hop off the bus, my mind wandering for the final time “Enough… I know that I will never be more than a friend to her… I should be happy to have that much…”

Rounding the final street corner to her house, I stop and run my fingers through my hair, growling to myself in frustration and my stubborn desires for more than this perfect friendship, the fact that I would put it all at risk for my stupid lust… I stop by the door to her house, and reach up to knock on the door, breathing deeply and forcing my feelings down as Bell opens the door, and welcomes me with her usual chirpy tone

“Took your time I see Teddy!” Reaching down, she takes my hand in her own and pulls me inside “Come on, come on!” I sigh mockingly as she pulls me inside, standing stiffly and pretending to resist as always until she turns with a grin, pulling me into a friendly hug “Same old boring Teddy!”

Smiling nervously, I wrap my arms around her shoulders, returning the cuddle as I speak in a carefree tone “Same old death grip huh Bell?” I grin as she nods into my chest, and I have to wonder if she is trying to tempt me to tell her about my yearnings for something more… Same old Teddy she says? No, she is the same, so full of life and joy, the same old breath of life, while I am consumed by the needs I feel for her, and the angst of knowing that I may never have her…

“Teddy? Are you alright?” Jumping slightly I loosen my arms from around her, and step back chuckling uncomfortably

“Yeah, just daydreaming…” I struggle to put on a fake grin, and prolong the charade “Lessons with Mrs Lowe seem to do that to me!” I chuckle again and Bell seems to accept my reason as she walks me through to the kitchen. She stops inside the large, well equipped kitchen and reaches down a glass as her face turns sour while she pours me a quick drink of soda.

Without looking at me, her voice turns serious and I can make out a tinge of disappointment in her tone “I thought you might have been thinking of me, instead of college…” Feeling the disappointment in her voice, the thought that I have caused her pain, feels like a knife in my gut and I step forwards, preparing to put a hand to her shoulder, to come clean and confess it all when she turns with a big smile. Placing the glass into my extended hand, she returns to her usual chirpy tone “Just kidding!”

I watch her disappear off into the living room, left speechless by the facade of her pain, and the dashed hopes that she would feel the same, that I could confess, and then maybe… I pause as I catch sight of my own thoughts and down the drink in an attempt to clear my head, placing the empty glass on the kitchen counter before following after Bell in a hurry, quickly finding her in the living room.

She is already sitting on the sofa, a cheap delivery pizza on the table and a few bottles on the side. I slowly walk up to her while she fiddles with the TV, trying to find the right channel for the DVD player before she pats the seat next to herself, and turns to me with her usual bright expression “Got a tummy ache or something Teddy?” I look at her quizzically, unsure of what she means, but her pale blue eyes drift to the floor when she continues, this time with a more sombre tone “Ted… You don’t seem yourself today…” She looks up, her eyes seeming to glimmer and shine with concern “Did I do something to upset you? If I did I am…”

I smile warmly, walking to the sofa and stand in front of her, placing a friendly kiss on her cheek, and a gentle hand on her head, speaking softly “You don’t need to worry… It’s just something that came up today, but I won’t worry about it, promise” My smile turns to a grin, and I turn around, jumping back to flop in the sofa, delighting in the little squeal that Bell makes as I land next to her “Same old Bell!” I turn to face her, and muster all my will into hiding my troubles, trying to bring out my usual grin “Always worried about nothing!”

Bell pauses for a moment, seeming to weigh up whether she should just give up and take my word, before replying with a nod, and leaning against my shoulder “Always worried about my cuddly friends…” I become absorbed by the feeling of her heat on my arm, her body pressing against my own, and the temptation to just take her in my arms, to just lean around and claim her lips becomes almost unbearable. To just feel her nestled in my arms, to just feel the warmth of her body, and her soft sweet lips… My eyes widen as loud, obnoxious music starts to play, and I jump underneath Bell, looking to the TV with a startled expression as she squeaks in shock.

“He he…” Taking the TV remote, Bell turns the volume down from maximum and looks to me with a shy smile, a blush washing over her cheeks “Oops?” She stays flustered, speaking quickly and trying to pass her embarrassment off “G… Good thing I have the big, brave Teddy to protect me!” She feigns a grin, still red cheeked “You jumped a mile!”

Chuckling softly at the ridiculous situation, and my friends’ reaction, I wrap an arm around her shoulders and speak in as suave a tone as I can muster “Well then…. I will be sure to shape up and protect you!” I look up to check the screen, and groan as I see the title on the DVD menu “Sleepless in Seattle? Your favourite again Bell?”

She twists and turns on the sofa, grabbing for a throw cushion and plops it down on my chest before lying down and getting comfortable, grinning ear to ear as if she was a child “Uh huh!” Twisting again, she reaches for the pizza on the table, and offers me a slice “Why? Are you bored of it?” I consider telling the truth… Then decide to be sane and humour her whims, shaking my head with a smile, signalling her to continue


We watch the movie, barely focused on the TV as we have fun, speaking out the lines, and chuckling as I tease her for her obsession with the film, then pretending to be shocked as she points out that I can do exactly the same. We continue to chatter aimlessly, discussing our day, the college, and our worries over the recent exams, even going on to our plans for university and beyond. The most curious moment however, is when I continue to ask about her boyfriend “So, how are things with… Dominic right?” I cringe inwardly as I mention his name, my skin crawling with my newfound envy “Enough… Let it go already…”

She turns away, seemingly trying to hide in the cushion, and speaks quietly “Dom is alright… We are having a bit of a rough patch but…” She tries to fake her usual cheer, but there is an evident strain hanging in her voice “But we will work through it, what couples don’t fight, right?”

I pause for what seems like an eternity, wondering whether to stop the DVD, to hold her close and demand that she tells me what is worrying her, what is making her sad, but… Leaning close, I kiss her on the side of her head, and stroke a hand through her hair, deciding to trust in her choice as I speak in a gentle tone “True… But if you ever want to talk about it” I pause as she takes hold of one of my large hands in her small ones, and runs her fingers over my palm, leaning into the cushion, and me as a result
“Thank you Theodore” She speaks in the same sombre tone as before, and kisses my hand “I am lucky to have you…” Looking up, I can see another of her faked smiles as she tries to stay positive “Now enough, the movie is still going!”

I try to chuckle warmly, and speak up wanting to lighten the mood for her, until the movie finally comes to a close, and I speak up “Ah yes, how does it go…” I clear my throat before speaking again, trying to imitate one of the actors voices “Look, Annie… I love you, but let’s leave that out of this. I don’t want to be someone that you’re settling for, I don’t want to be someone that anyone settles for…” I pause as I hear a faint sniffle, and look down to Bell “H… Hey, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing…” I feel a warm drip fall from the tip of her nose, and seep through the thin fabric of my trousers, and brush her hair aside, looking down to see the tears pricking in her eyes. Smiling weakly, Bell tries her hardest to look strong in front of me, but I can just tell that something is eating away at her “I’m fine, it’s just the movie!” I shuffle slightly, and place my hands on each of her shoulders, helping her to sit by my side, and move the cushion from my lap “Ted? What are you…”

Acting on instinct alone, I wrap my arms around her and ignore her faint surprised gasp. Instead of feeling nervous, or pulling away I just draw her towards me, allowing her to nestle her head into my chest “You always act so happy… You always smile so no one knows when you need help, no one knows when you need to be cared for…” I feel her arms move to loosely return the hug, and continue to speak in a sincere tone “You always try to be so much for so many people…” I feel her arms tighten around my waist, and a warm drip slip through my shirt “You don’t always have to shoulder the world…” I smile warmly, looking into her teary eyes as she gazes up at me “We are friends Bell… You don’t have to act, just be you…” Leaning close, I kiss her on the forehead and speak again “Ok?”

Bell wordlessly replies, tightening her arms around my waist, and burying her head into my chest as she allows the repressed tears to flow. “Bell… How long have you been holding all of this…