Blonde is a warm color – Part 1

September 10th, 2019:

It’s dark on the streets of Munich. The weather has gotten cold. Not too cold for this time of the year, but cold. I have been wandering the streets for an hour now. Trying to sort my thoughts. People pass me by, tourists, couples, families. Family. My face darkens again. I rub my eyes and take a sharp left turn, since I was walking on one of the main streets, leading to the Marienplatz, Munich’s main square. The noise of the crowd starts moving to the distance. Other than the random car, the sound of the city seems to fade. I reach a bench. I take a seat and take a dep breath. My phone has been vibrating a couple of times in my breast pocket during my walk. I feel paralyzed just at the thought of looking at it, who has messaged me. I look around, as if someone ist watching me. As if someone watched me do…what I did. As if someone will tell everyone what I did….what WE did. Knowing that nothing will spare me from the cruel passing of time, I reach into the pocket and pull out my phone. The screen lights up brightly, hurting my eyes softly. The I see it. Four messages. All by ‘Sabrina’. God. What the fuck did we do, honey, I ask myself. A swipe up reveals the contents of the messages:

1st message: ‘Dad, where are you?’

2nd message: ‘If you are scared, I won’t tell mom or Jessica, anything!’

3rd message: ‘Just for my piece of mind: I don’t regret it’

4th message: ‘I love you dad. Nothing will change that. We’ll talk when you come back, k?’

How can she say that, that she doesn’t regret it? How could’t she? I can’t run away, I have to talk toher, this can’t happen ever again! But I said this the last time. I close my eyes. I see her. On her back. Panting. Her legs spread, Me ramming into her. Our sweat mixing. The feeling of climaxing. Her beautiful green eyes looking deep into mine. And a shaking voice pleading “Yes dad, fuck me, please fuck me!’ I did. That I did.

***

July 18th 2019:

Work has been relentless. Returning from a trip abroad, I arrive at our house at the outskirts of the city. Nothing special, but a nice, spacious, inviting home. My suitcases follow me on my way to a hot shower, a warm meal and my three gorgeous women.