Blake & Ben (A New Beginning) – Chapter 6 – Let Me In

– BLAKE ABEL FOSTER –

Ben and I continue playing Call of Duty on my Xbox One as I hear the garage door open for the second time this evening. My stomach clenches and I feel like I’m going to throw up. This time, I know it’s my Dad. And I know, later tonight, after Ben leaves, my Dad will go ballistic when I come out to him and my mother.

My hands begin trembling on the Xbox controller. Before I know it, my entire body is trembling. My right knee knocks into Ben’s numerous times before he realizes it and diverts his attention from the gun-to-gun combat on the television to the fear on my face. My jaw, following suit with the rest of my body, begins trembling. I sniff rather loudly, staring at the television screen. I place my controller on the floor in front of my crossed legs.

“Blake…” Ben asks, putting his controller down.

I don’t look at him, I can’t look at him. I’m trying my hardest to keep it together right now. But, the fear of what’s going to happen tonight is overwhelming me. I know if I look at Ben’s face, I’m going to lose it. God, is this all moving too fast? Is my relationship with Ben moving at an unrealistic pace? Is it possible to legitimately fall in love with someone this fast? Or am I just so desperate for human contact after Gavin, that the first guy I find I immediately cling to like a life raft?

“Blake, look at me, baby…” he says, placing a hand on my trembling knee. His touch calms me, all be it only a little bit.

Is this love? Or is he just my life raft? Am I just clinging on to him to keep my head above water? There’s only one way to tell.

“Blake,” he demands, raising his voice.

I snap out of it and look at him. The worry on his face, worry out of love, is enough for me to know – this is all real. I love this boy. Why the hell else would I feel the need to come out to my parents now, instead of later in life, if I didn’t truly love Ben? I feel a tear streak down my right cheek.

“Blake, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong,” he says, getting to his knees and taking my hands in his.

I look down at my hands in his as he squeezes them. I continue looking at them and see one of his hands leave mine as I look at the floor next to us. I feel a finger under my chin that brings my eyes back to him.

“Blake, talk to me. What’s going on?”

He rubs the tip of my chin once between his thumb and index finger before my vocal chords finally decide to do what they were made to do.

“I’m, uh…” I pause to sniff. “I’m going to uh… come out to my parents tonight… after you leave. I’m going to tell them,” I say.

A loving smile spreads across his face. He stays quiet for a moment and I notice his eyes glisten as they begin to water.

“Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly love you anymore…” he says, his thumb swiping back and forth across my hand that he still has a hold on.

“What do you mean,” I ask, sniffing.

“Well,” he says, the loving smile still plastered across his face. “Yesterday, when we got back from the mall, I knew.”

“You knew what,” I ask.

“I knew I was completely and utterly in love with you,” he says.

The water building in his eyes tumbles over his eyelashes and a tear falls from both eyes simultaneously.

“So,” he continues, “that night, at dinner, I came out to my parents.”

I immediately hate myself. How could I let my fear and panic make me question my feelings for Ben – even if it was just for a few seconds? I begin crying even harder now. Ben releases my hands and gets up. I feel him sit down behind me, scooting forward until I feel his chest at my back and see each leg spread out on either side of me. I feel his arms slide underneath my own, his hands clasping around my stomach. He puts his head on my shoulder and nuzzles into the side of my head and sways us side to side.

“I love you, Blake. You can do this,” he whispers into my ear.

He kisses the side of my head and lets me cry as he continues swaying our bodies side to side.

***

Grilled chicken breast, mashed potatoes and creamed corn are on the menu for tonight as Ben and I sit down at the table with my parents.

My dad is sitting next to my mother, still in his police uniform, although the button-up shirt is unbuttoned, exposing a plain Hanes or Fruit of the Loom t-shirt underneath. He is currently texting on his cell phone, probably to his partner, Mike. Like I said, he’s one of those cops that can’t drop the job when he steps foot in the house. He’s a cop first, a husband second and father third. My mother clears her throat and speaks up, trying to grab my father’s attention as she walks over with two glasses of iced tea.

“Hank, we have a guest this evening. Put that phone away, honey.”

She places one glass in front of Ben and the other in front of me. My father locks his phone and sets it down on the dinner table as he looks up at Ben.

“Hi. Hank Foster…” he says, extending his hand across the dinner table towards Ben.

Ben reaches over and shakes his hand. “Ben Smith. Nice to meet you, Mr. Foster. Thanks for allowing me to eat dinner with you guys.”

I hear none of it, it‘s all just background noise. I push around the mashed potatoes on my plate, the thought of coming out to my parents still grating on my nerves. Scenes of my father standing up and grabbing me by the throat play through my mind. Followed by scenes of him grabbing me by the collar of my shirt, walking me to the door and tossing me into the street is the second scenario. My heart is racing, my stomach is churning. Before I know it, my vocal chords begin to vibrate without my permission.

“Mom… Dad…” I say in a solemn tone.

I see Ben out of the corner of my eye. He takes a deep breath and I feel his foot nudge mine under the table.

“What is it, honey,” my mother asks, happily chomping on her food.

I return Ben’s sentiment and also take a deep breath. However, mine is shaky and full of emotion. I sniff loudly. Ben stands up.

“I better go,” he says, starting to scoot his chair under the table as my mother looks up at him.

I reach for him, grabbing his hand. “No…” I say, my eyes pleading with him to stay. I need him to stay. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ll have the guts to do it. He’s my strength, my rock. And I need him, now more than ever. He sees it in my eyes and sits back down at the table.

My mother continues looking at Ben, who is now staring down at his dinner plate, seeming as if he’s too ashamed to make eye contact with anybody else – like he’s in trouble. Like he’s going to be the one who’s going to have to deal with my parents. He feels the weight of the situation and knows exactly what I’m going through. My mother’s gaze changes from Ben to me. I’m still looking at Ben. She sees it in my eyes. As I look at her, I can tell she’s already put two and two together.

My father, completely oblivious and not really caring, picks up his phone again and taps away on the touch screen. I begin breathing heavily, trying to keep the tears at bay. My left foot begins bobbing my leg up and down with reckless abandon – banging into the bottom of the table a few times, bringing my dad’s attention from the phone.

“Blake, stop hitting the table…” he says, barely looking up from his phone.

“Hank…” my mother says, reaching for my father’s hand.

He looks at her as she bobs her head towards me. I exhale loudly through my mouth and look up at the ceiling – not wanting to meet my father’s gaze. My breathing rate increases and so does my heart rate. I didn’t realize until he squeezes my hand, but Ben has been holding onto my hand, under the table ever since he sat down.

“Blake, what’s going on,” he asks, actually sounding concerned. I still can’t meet his gaze.

“Mom… D-D-Dad…” I stutter.

“Blake,” my mother says with a curt tone to get my attention. My eyes lock onto her’s. “Just say it, honey.”

I see a look of understanding, caring and knowing in her eyes. She helps me through it, by letting me say it to her, instead of having to look at my father. She’s made it feel like her and I are the only two people in the room, even though I still feel Ben.

I sniff, letting a tear fall down my cheek.

Oh, God… here it comes.

“I’m gay.”

– BENJAMIN JAXON SMITH –

The air changes in the room as soon as Blake utters those two words. The same two words I uttered to my own parents just last night.

“I’m gay.”

Blake finally breathes a short sigh of relief, but is still tense. I can tell he’s tense by how hard he’s squeezing my hand. I sigh, quietly under my breath and squeeze Blake’s hand. He realizes what he’s going and eases up on his grip.

The entire table is silent, minus Blake’s loud breathing. Kelly looks at her son, tears filling her eyes. But, a smile spreads across her face. And it’s not a smile of pity, the smile is all genuine.

“Oh, Blake, honey…” she says, still smiling. She begins to stand up from her chair when, suddenly, Hank bangs his fist on the table, startling everybody at the table, myself included.

“Great.