I awoke with a start. The sheets, drenched with my sweat clung to my body. Without turning on the light I got up, looked out of the window. Outside it was still dark, but dawn must be near. The nightmares usually came around dawn. Heart still hammering in my chest I moved to the kitchen. Here I turned on the lights, made myself a coffee. Being alone was hard right now. The dreams – nightmares – had become more frequent now. John, his face in the crowd, looking at me, smiling his boyish smile. But John was dead. And I had seen him after…

My fist crashed down on the counter. It hurt but it cleared my head, got me out of this thought spiral. At least for now. I needed to talk to someone. Now.

Without hesitation I took my mug and crossed over to the trapdoor in the living room. Up to now I hadn’t worked out how the lights down there worked, but it was dimly lit anyway. Hurrying as fast as I could without spilling my coffee, I made my way to the steel door, the kennels.

The dogs stirred as I entered the room. “Hello guys”. Yawning some of them got up, others just placed their heads back on their paws. Looking for the Irish Wolfhound I scanned the kennels. Today he was at the far end, alone as always. I crossed over to him and sat down next to the bars. “Sorry to wake you up, but…”, I broke off, sighed. “I’m going crazy and I need to get it off my chest.”

Holding the cup in both hands I pulled my legs up to my chest. The dog got up and stretched himself before he came to me. I scratched him behind the ears. “I had this mate, John, great guy, always good for a laugh.” The memory brought a sorrowful smile to my face.

“He got killed.” I didn’t want to go into the details, I just couldn’t.

“It was hard for me, I dreamed about it… him… for months. And just as I had come to terms with it, visiting another mate I saw him. He was just on the other side of the crowd in this club. When I got there, he was gone. I didn’t tell my mates about it. But a month later I saw him again. It was on a beach. I ran but he vanished again. After that I dreamed again, remembered.” Sipping my coffee while talking I leaned against the bars.

In the silence that followed I took more sips of my coffee. Dogs moved, claws scratching on concrete, the occasional snore from one of them.

“I couldn’t sleep, got more irritable, aggressive.” Laughing softly, I went on. “And I got into trouble. That led to my discharge. And there I was, no job, bills to pay and slightly going crazy. My parents were no help. I was a disappointment anyway.