A different approach to HR (Yorkshire Dialect) Humour

Human Recourses

“Ee lass come in and sit down tell thee Uncle Eric all about it,” Eric Ollerenshaw mithered to some stuck up bitch from t’office on third floor. Eric were CEO and in charge of Human Recourses at Ollerenshaw’s Mill.

Elanore shuffled awkwardly into the room and sat opposite Eric.

“It’s Dan, the lad who I work with, he put his hand up my skirt,” she announced.

“Grabbed thee pussy did he?” Eric enquired, “Inside the pants or outside?”

“No just touched me.” she said.

“You sure it weren’t accidental like?” Eric asked.

“No, absolutely not,” Elanore insisted.

“Cause thee ‘ent exactly Miss World, thee’d not make final fifty for Miss Halifax, if I were being honest, yet thee looks down thee snout at honest working class folk like Dan and me.” Eric ventured.

“How dare you, Dolores warned me about you, I wish I had listened,” she replied.

“Look, that Dolores, well she is a lazy, ugly, overweight, fat tart we a face like bulldog chewing a wasp if you get my drift, no offence like.” Eric replied.

“No offence, that’s the most offensive thing I have ever heard,” Elanore protested.

“That’s nowt,” Eric chuckled, “Thee ought to look at some of the Bernard Manning Videos, on RePlayer thats offensive, bloody funny though.”

“Look are you going to take this complaint seriosly?” Elanore demanded.

“Absaluteament,” Eric agreed, “So show us where he bruised thee pussy.”

“He didn’t.” she sighed.

“So what thee complaining about,” he asked.

“He touched my leg,” she insisted.

“Reet, so thee wanted him to grab thee pussy,” he suggested, “Mebbee stick a couple of fingers up or mebbee a thumb up thee ass hole.”

“How dare you!” she replied angrily and blushed at the same time.

“Thee’s bloody frustrated that’s long and short on’t,” Eric sighed, “Well thee’s in luck, me half eleven’s cancelled so I can give thee a seein’ to quick sharp wi out havin’ to dock thee time for mithering about nowt.”

“Now hold on a minute,” she bridled.

“I shan’t bloody charge thee, if that’s what’s bothering thee,” Eric reassured her.

“It’s sexual harassment!” she complained.

Eric smirked, “I know love but I shan’t report thee if thee drops thee’s knickers quick smart.”

“But I will!” she snapped, “Report it I mean.”

“One bint as I had could do dictation bent over desk as I fucked her up t’ass tha knows.” Eric recalled, “Elsie Braddock.”

“If you are expecting me to,” she started to protest.

“Nay lass, thee can start be typing letter as I fucks thee if it’s what thee wants.” he offered.

“I do not wish to be humiliated!” she snapped again.

“Who said owt about humiliation?